Lavitz Star

randomly writing about things as I live and learn. I enjoy thinking about everything and connecting with people to make the world a better place :)

A Wonderful Detour

Summary: A short story of an IRL encounter. Initially hastily tweeted on May 31, 2022.

On my long drive home westward from Virginia, I stopped for a perhaps foolishly long but absolutely fascinating detour in Charlottesville at, what I thought was a rare book store according to Google Maps, a residence-business of a man who curates and sells entire collections for libraries (and apparently buys and manages libraries too). It was off I-64 down some dirt road prefaced with a "Private Property - Do Not Trespass" sign. I reversed but then decided to ring the number upon which this man answered, slightly confused at the situation having never a random guest ask to check out the place, invited me despite "the place is quite messy and I wouldn't normally do this" and gave me specific directions.

The energy of the place felt powerful and I discovered via stone engraving that it was the former property of Thomas Jefferson, lined with magnificent trees surely as old as TJ himself. The man was warm & kind, telling me of his vocation and showing me around the mansion. The conversation was delightful and he allowed me to peruse his many bookshelves, while two young men assisted him in packing boxes for yet another library collection. After scanning shelf after shelf of books ranging from culinary to botany to history and philosophy, I randomly selected one and asked to read for a short while on the sprawling lawn. I was just vibing, in no rush to journey home.

The selection was Maxims by La Rochefoucauld. I heard of the book but never read it, and only managed to get through a third of it in this session. Initially sitting underneath the grandest tree (perhaps planted by TJ himself?!), I was incessantly interrupted by two loving, attention-seeking Black Labradors and began walking around the complex whilst both reading and throwing the frisbee they fetched. The book also had a yellowed catalog-newspaper clipping from pre-WW2 which detailed the summary and price of multiple books (most ranging from $2 to $4). I sadly did not take a picture of it but took a few others.

Unfortunately, while I had the thought to delay my journey another day and sojourn in the city, I hurried along, returning the book and giving thanks for such a wonderful spontaneous encounter. He, from earlier in the episode, handed me a list of landmarks, antique stores and a restaurant. I decided to delay my departure from C-ville another hour and a half to enjoy the tasteful & sightful delights of ancient Mitchie Tavern and Monticello.

A most wonderful, magical detour. While I was pressed to return home from a 10-day vacation to work, I allowed myself to listen to my wanderlust spirit and pay attention to synchronistic signs that quite often yield miracles. I have been breaking free from destination fixation, just living presently as if each day is my last. I want my life journey to be fun and spontaneous and full of happiness; it is these very moments that make me feel alive.

Here's four of a handful of pictures I took

4am prose part 2: Count Fibonacci

Wrote/channeled at 4am listening to 432Hz music. Coincidentally, a sort of fibonacci pattern developed, though it's a bit of a stretch.

Post: 4am prose 432Hz - November 6, 2021

4am prose 432Hz

4x "breathe"
2x hearts/perspectives (2nd person then 1st person)
3x "a time"
4x "yet"
9x "it is" (4+3+2)
13x "I" (9+4) (I am)

0 from the void
1 voice
1 prose
2 hearts
3 "a time"
5 "yet (rebalance 1 from "it is")
8 "it is" (rebalance 1 to "yet")
13 "I"
21 "it is" plus "I"
34 Count 4+2+3+4+9+13 minus 1 - nothing is perfect; there are anomalies within nature ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

89 sum of the above plus 1. The prodigal one returns!
377 word count of the full post as a cherry-on-top

"A time, yet it is I."

I describe a period of time as if it's separate from myself; but it is I. I am time. I am infinite. I am co-creating with the Universe. As above, so below.

"I'm one with the universe, one with the life flow. When you know that that which is below is above, the fear you once had will become love (feel the love)." -Eyedea, The Dive pt. 2

Hello New World

"I have nothing to prove"

Words are powerful. Words are magical. Even saying aloud "words are magical" frequently will make one realize the hidden power of the statement. "I have nothing to prove" is one affirmation whose repetition will reshape the conscious and subconscious mind. There are dozens of ways this statement applies to life and I won't cover them all here.

The last several months have been immensely positive and transformational for me. I have uprooted deeply-held negative beliefs and addictions, established healthy mental and physical routines, learned a great deal across a number of subjects, and more. I've updated close friends and family members on my progress when they've asked how I'm doing but I haven't updated this blog. I didn't need to. I don't even need to type the words I just did. I'm making changes for myself, not anyone else. I don't need to prove to anyone I'm making progress - I just am. Our actions prove we have changed, not our words. Something radically changed in my mindset and approach to life when I internalized:

"I have nothing to prove"

I first heard and learned this concept during a therapy session. It was the third session in a series. The therapist felt like I wasn't grasping a concept, and I had a defensive reaction trying to prove that I did. Therefore: I didn't. If I did I wouldn't have needed to try to prove I did.

Side note: therapy is amazing and every single person can benefit from it. Maybe not every therapist is good but that doesn't invalidate the healing power of therapy itself. We are all creatures with faults - with emotional wounds and traumas from growing up - that we need to understand and overcome to unlock our true potential. To deny this is to deny the human existence. End the stigma.

"I have nothing to prove"

I want to write and share things I've learned or enjoyed because (i) I enjoy expressing myself in this manner sometimes, and (ii) I may potentially help people gain a new perspective or relate to a personal struggle. I'm not trying to prove I know something - I'm just expressing. It's a very nuanced and important difference to grasp and integrate psychologically.

"I have nothing to prove"

Sometimes it is blatant, other times it is very subtle: when having conversations we are often trying to "score points" trying to prove we are "correct" or are "better" than either the other person or our former self. We erect walls preventing healthy discussion toward understanding or compromise. The goal should never be proving to someone we know something, but to learn new somethings. We are always learning, always growing, always healing. We don't know everything - we know this - but our ego often tries to pretend it knows the "real truth" of some matter. Trying to prove we know "the truth" or trying to prove we have made progress in some regard doesn't accomplish anything. It is not constructive to either party. We can share our perspective in a way that isn't trying to prove something. We can show that we have made progress by simply being the improved version of ourselves.

"I have nothing to prove"

There is an often misunderstood difference between expressing one's self & ideas versus posting for recognition and approval. Yes, we are social creatures who require some amount of external appreciation & encouragement, but too often the urge to update others on some achieved progress is counterintuitively debilitating. We receive some inspiration to start a new project, or make exciting progress toward our goals - but, strangely, going around telling others about it often has a negative consequence. We establish some expectation of what the future is going to be - we never know how the future will unfold - and when the inspiration doesn't last, or circumstances change, we become self-critical and generate unfavorable feelings like anxiety and depression because we are now failing to uphold promises we had spontaneously thrown out into the world. We can set intentions to do something - words are magic - but we can never actually predict what will happen. All we can do is work toward the goal day by day, trusting that the future will unfold as it should, and manage our reactions to misfortune. Sometimes shit happens and life seems to have other plans for us. If we're constantly trying to prove to others we can do something before we've done it we somehow become our own enemy. Plus other people will try to tear us down and point out our failures - we don't need any of that. I heard a funny, relevant quote the other day: "When we make plans, God laughs."

"I have nothing to prove"

Three other relevant ideas I've been cycling in my mind have grounded me further: (i) "it isn't done until it's done", (ii) "stay low and move quietly", (iii) "he who has a journey of a hundred miles should reckon ninety as half-way". At least in my experience: if I try sharing progress I've made to people, when I know deep-down I should just stay focused and get across the finish line, somehow the progress halts. Maybe it's simply getting out of "Flow" or "the zone", or "rushing the timeline". Maybe pride and eagerness are negative vibrations that disrupt the human-aura field or space-time continuum. Somehow, asserting expectations of the future has a funny way of working against us. Life is a ride - a journey - and all we can control is the present moment and our reactions to fate. It's really much more peaceful thinking this way. Similar statements have been said countless times in countless ways but it really is all about the journey. We do not know the destination, nor does it matter! What matters is right here, right now: reading these words hopefully gaining some new perspective, soon working toward a goal, soon smiling at a loved one.

"I have nothing to prove"

I love words and have been complimented & recognized for poetry or other writings, but I don't need to go post online about receiving praise; I am simply grateful for the recognition and move on. This might seem insignificant but it is a powerful, positive mentality to have regarding everything in life. This doesn't mean you can't share, for example, stats of how many books you've sold, but there is a nuanced and important difference between doing that to prove something versus doing that to share information for a constructive purpose. If this doesn't make sense now, think about it later. Sometimes concepts take time and meditation to understand and integrate.

"I have nothing to prove"

I roughly tweeted, and deleted, last month: "multiple projects are soon coalescing and I'm going to start writing more blog posts soon!" I make plans, and God laughs. I have painstakingly learned that I should only share what I have actually completed instead of telling people what I have planned to complete. In a way, I was trying to prove that I was being active and productive. But that is silly. I am living every day to the fullest and am immeasurably happy even if my plans don't work out. It's less of a failure of discipline and more a constant realignment and readjustment to life circumstance & new inspiration.

"I have nothing to prove"

This statement is immensely powerful in combination with understanding that every person is "imperfect" - even you. We have all said and done things in the past we no longer agree with - this is a part of life! Virtually all of us have deleted some post because we feel embarrassed or no longer agree with it, but we're covering up the fact that we are always growing. Unfortunately, yes, we live in a society with a lot of judgmental, vicious people who seek to tear others down. I have hope and optimism that this paradigm is shifting. I'm not saying to suddenly stop deleting/curating our tweets or posts - we do have to protect ourselves in some regard - as long as it's not out of personal shame and fear that we will be judged. That's a failure of the judge, not of you.

Change happens and maybe this blog will continue to be showing some of the ugly side of living and growing. It is good that I showed the ugly side of attempting and failing to do the #100Days challenge, blogging my raw thoughts of feeling like a failure and working out why I was being my own worst enemy.

We need to be better role models for our children. The last decade of social media has been immensely destructive to society, creating unrealistic expectations of success and what it means to be human. We only see the results of effort - not the ugly, tough, natural process of how to get there. I'm not even the 10,000th person to express this thought nor am I articulating it in the best way. But I need to try - maybe the way I've phrased it will resonate and click with at least one person. Awesome. We can't change the whole world, but we can make some good changes in the world. If every single person helped just one person learn something new, then the whole world would indeed be changed.

I have nothing to prove.


    "it's there where you left it when you need it again"

I haven't yet searched if "egotrap" is a real word or concept; I'm sure it is and I will search momentarily but this is the word that came to mind as I thought to write a new post. To me it describes the numerous times I tripped over myself going too fast or established arbitrary unharmonious rigidity to my schedule or outflow of ideas and productivity. Confining my output to once a day without break is disingenuous. Naturally I may ebb and flow writing twice a day or once a week, and abruptly confining myself to a spontaneously generated hobby with no room for flexibility and forgiveness was an exercise in futility. The reaction was, again, complete dissolution and disassociation for a time. What a shame because I had a holiday break worth writing about! Tl;dr, a cabin on a mountain lake with lots of kayaking and good company & vibes.

Perusing through my stacks of notebooks and loose papers containing ideas and designs for games and such - often conjured during classes and church as the most interesting subject matter to me and the pure expression of creativity and self - was both enlightening and exhausting. So many ideas about so many things, as well as countless sticky notes and sections writing about how stuck I felt in that moment and devising a rehash of the same plan to dig myself out of a mess. Finally after a life-time of dissonantly avoiding my inclinations, I'm going to try to "work for video games".

With regards to this blog I will rewire how I think about it and expression itself, and just write as I need to.

The WoW and Blizzard post was out of a fit of frustration and personal burnout, and I spent all the time since that post re-evaluating those thoughts and how I truly felt. I have since edited the overwhelming negative takes in that post. I reconsidered those thoughts so hard that this week I decided to once again try to be the change I want to see in the world, and re-apply to the company under a new unannounced project. The chances of acceptance may be slim, but I'm truly giving it my all for the first time in a while.

I wanted to make a trading update in late Nov/early Dec of the market conditions and my complete de-risking of longed assets for a few months. I didn't feel compelled to because I had so few eyes if any on my publishing anyway; it would've been for posterity, excessive pre-optimization and obsessive image control. I need to write for myself. I had no intention of garnering readers to my blog when creating it, but I let myself get ego-trapped with that thought as well. I have hardly ever released or published anything in my life out of excessive fear and inability to finish the last 20%. Quite literal crippling anxiety and absence of confidence and a social support system.

A bit rough of a stream of consciousness this post was, but it'll do. I'm walking toward the rainbow.

(Ah yes, similar idea:

One More Time, For Science

Summary: Retrospection on failing to maintain daily posting and other habits. I have failed dozens of times in my life to replace bad habits with good ones, but I keep picking myself up and trying again!

After two full weeks of super-average progress, discipline and abstinence from lazy behavior, I allowed myself one more time, for science and for the holidays, to pull the rug and see to what I naturally gravitate. I shouldn't be surprised, after more than a thousand days wasted to addictive consumption and extinguished passion in the last decade, that I would return to that average. I didn't beat myself up this time - it was for science after all - I just allowed myself up to a week to observe my thoughts and emotions. Conclusion verified my hypothesis and the Mean Reversion Theory, and confirmed that breaking habits & establishing new ones is a long and arduous process.

Gave my thanks and gratitude for my family, friends and countless privileges this week, as I do periodically, but especially for this holiday for doing such. Learning how to organize and restructure my time to spend more of it with people I love, because ultimately what matters more than any accomplishment or achievement is life itself and sharing this finite existence with others in the same precarious disposition. Love and connection to others is more real than a high-score. My life wouldn't convey that premise. I haven't been walking the walk I talk; been tripping over hypocrisy and cognitive dissonance. I don't often heed the advice I preach... I may give great advice but take little for myself.

The truth is: life is challenging; made easier by growing up with a solid work ethic and belief system (a privilege most are seemingly deprived of), and made harder by the allure of dopamine overloading behaviors. The most fulfilling quests aren't often fun, so someone addicted to fun will often struggle with fulfillment. It is always easier to do nothing than to do something; it is especially easier if your mean/average is closer to doing nothing than something. Your high grade average can tank with just a couple low grades, and your low grade average takes much more effort to recover and rise higher.

The personalized piece of advice given most to me in my life has been "Don't be too hard on yourself!" so in the last week I simply observed and wrote in my private journal. Sure, I broke the #100Days streak 14 days in, but I managed to relax for a couple days and learned a lot about how my brain/mind seems to process goals (set by myself or imposed externally), and makes excuses, but still craves to create and ideate. And, most of all, I learned (again) that I'm not going to continue receiving spurts of motivation or willpower, and that the only way I can execute my ideas with a blunt axe is to keep sharpening or keep swinging; to keep pushing the average higher, and not let the inevitable reversions to the mean exceed the mean and go lower thereby keeping the mean low. Reverse to the mean, but bounce, and continue higher. Keep bouncing. Keep raising the average. To further relate this to trading: remember to also take your (mental) profits! In line with having realistic expectations: the road to riches is series of hills and valleys, a zigzag path littered with obstacles. Every small victory should be recognized and celebrated, but acknowledged as a stepping stone in the broader trend. Failure to take mental profits leaves one with anxiety: no proof of progress, holding baggage in confusion without mental profits to buy the dip / recover from setbacks. The good times make the hard times easier. Write down and celebrate the good times. Document when you surmounted a hill to have a healthy perspective when traversing a valley.

Not as poetic as I've phrased lessons before, but it'll do. My anxiety and madness derives from a dissonant psyche and incompatible habits. Star-faring ideas drowning in a Jungian Shadow abyss. There will likely be a few more one more times... but each shorter and shallower than the last.

Eyedea, Walking (verse 3)

    I don't expect nothing
    But the un-expectable
    The only thing I know for a fact
    Is that I'll never know too much about myself
    So I'ma keep learning
    Cause I'm determined to find what keeps this fire burning
    Turning these pages just as slow as I can
    Reading every single word from the poet within
    I float with the wind and stay content
    Wherever it carries me
    There was no beginning and there won't be an end
    I'm just a piece of the galaxy
    A seed in the soil
    A stream of consciousness
    And to the seasons I'm loyal
    Don't take my movement personal
    It's not that I don't dig you
    But I can't be on the beach
    Of your sea when it boils
    And so I walk with the music
    Because to me that's all that's real
    Don't know where I'm going
    Don't have a plan
    I've been hearing instructions my whole life
    And I still think walking away from the rainbow
    Will make you more of a man

WoW and Blizzard

Summary/Edit: I wrote this at peak self-frustration and burnout, having a bit of an overreaction. I was unduly savage in my criticism and had a profoundly negative, half-truth perspective. It was written out of passion and heartbreak. I should instead channel this sort of energy to be the change I want to see in the world. I have actually quit the game though, and haven't played video games since February 2022 - not out of some self-righteous sense of moral superiority, but just because a new chapter of my life has begun.

    "At long last... no king rules forever my son." - Terenas Menethil

Growing up on Blizzard games since I was four or five years old - watching my father play Diablo and Warcraft 2 and then playing them myself better than he did - I could write thousands of words and still not cover my full experience. So I will not attempt to, or perhaps I will expound upon it later. Today marks the end of this journey. While I might boot up Diablo 2 Resurrected in the future, it will only be to spend time with my best friend on his favorite childhood game. I may also subscribe to WoW one more time just to experience Black Temple, Hyjal and Sunwell in the next year on TBC Classic, but it won't be with cash but with the last of my in-game gold. Today, I unsubscribed from WoW and uninstalled every Blizzard game.

Even as a young immature lad without much knowledge of business or project management, I knew the Activision merger a decade ago spelled doom. While the concepts and attempts to create new games and innovate existing ones were good and well-placed - obviously trying to create products that people would love - they missed the mark in execution and management far too many times. Shipping games before they were ready in order to meet deadlines to appease shareholders, changing gameplay so drastically as to alienate the core fanbase, milking their customers with microtransaction/cash shop items that are higher quality than items earned in game while still charging a subscription fee, the Hong Kong fiasco to the recent multitude of sexual harassment scandals (and responding not by fixing the problems but creating and fixing new problems like replacing in-game paintings of women with baskets of fruit), the OG founders leaving the company to create new companies with the old Blizzard essence, and more. I am not going fully in-depth in this post because I'd be typing for hours, and I'm not cluttering the post by linking dozens of articles to give further context and argument (though I definitely could and maybe should).

To people on the outside, who either didn't grow up playing video games or at least not with one company's line of games especially the old king Blizzard, it seems very strange to be this emotionally attached. And that is fine - it's not for them to understand. It is pretty strange. But the fact is, for myself and millions of other people (though I can only speak for myself), Warcraft Starcraft and Diablo were in my life since my very first memories and kept me occupied while my dad worked overseas and my mom multiple jobs while we moved every couple years around the world. Video games (and baseball) were my only constants in life. Love and joy turned into Stockholm Syndrome as the company management and vision shifted from player-centric "for gamers by gamers" passion to a soulless money-centric business venture. Ironically, the company would've make more money continuing to build loyalty and trust and love by delivering great gameplay experiences instead of this disgusting microtransaction meta that focuses on exploiting a small minority of players with more money and addiction than I, and rotating in new, temporary players as they abandon their core loyal audience.

It's been such a strange decade. And I'm sure there were honest attempts to create good games and they simply failed, which happens and is excusable a few times. I could go down the list and state pros and cons of Starcraft 2, Heroes of the Storm, Diablo 3, Overwatch and Hearthstone. Each did great things and fell off for their own reasons, though the latter three were especially plagued by horrible gameplay and monetary decisions (of course this is like, my opinion, man! but most everyone I've played with over the years is in agreement). Warcraft 3 Reforged was an absolute disaster: they delivered on pretty graphics (though not even what were demo'd and promised), but absolutely gutted most of the features that existed in the game for almost two full decades. The announcement of the mobile Diablo game was horribly received by BlizzCon attendees and was subsequently swept under the rug. They managed to not mess up Starcraft 1 Reforged and Diablo 2 Reforged, but those are, in my opinion of course, the best things they have created but are actually just updates of old games!

Same with Classic WoW - the game I prayed for all decade as I played poor quality community-hosted private servers made by and for players of the 2004-2009 versions. They actually delivered on it - years after shutting down these private servers with cease-and-desists. There were ultimately-excusable bugs, quirks and purposeful changes. It wasn't perfect, but it was alright, though there were certain easily-fixable things that really affected the game negatively as time went on. Halfway through the game they fired the community managers, and so communication between players and developers was severed which really escalated the momentum of unhappiness and dissent. But at least they gave us some close experience to the old game - a multiplayer open world role-playing game where the community chiefly drives the experience, not the sort of single-player theme-park action game that modern WoW became (through decisions going all the way back to the end of their second expansion Wrath of the Lich King when they added tools to automate finding groups for dungeons and raids - right after Activision merged/bought Blizzard).

Oh I could type a dozen more paragraphs detailing each and every decision in WoW that has led to its "downfall". I will link one article of the many dozens I could, just to share an opinion on this matter other than my own:

Edit: It was understated how much the meta of the industry and social media changed the collective consciousness of [a large portion of] gamers. So much has changed beyond the developer team's control with how their game is received that it is duly unfair to pin all the blame on Blizzard.

And so today I part ways. It shouldn't feel this hard since the company is fundamentally comprised of an entirely different set of employees than old Blizzard (a lot of who got into the game industry for money, not passion), but it does hurt me to see the characters, worlds and IPs I grew up with degrade and become associated with heartless bureaucracy (edit: I was rather dramatic in description, and a bit incorrect too repeating Asmongold talking points). Again, maybe Stockholm Syndrome-type behavior, but it is what it is. Some people think gamers should move on from games as an adult, and I won't argue that here because it is very complex and I've already typed so much (my defense at least entails that we should still have a source of fun and recreation in our lives and not be completely dull working adults). I personally do feel a drive to create and accomplish more with my life now and play less video games, though I will still allow myself to play games occassionally.

Insert whimsical quote about how every ending is a new beginning

I Wear The Mask

Today I shall share with you a high school English project my sixteen year old self made. I believe the criteria was to create and decorate a mask and write a sort of poem or prose inspired by "We Wear The Mask" by Paul Laurence Dunbar. I remember having the most outlandish/"crazy" project when presenting to the class - I exposed myself and my contention with a sort of dual personality I seemed to assimilate. I also had a way with words at that point in my life, and am kinda proud of those works (some are forgotten, others barely remembered). I knew but didn't actually know at the time that I was bipolar. The mask wasn't trying to represent this though; the words and their mirrors were more depicting how I was perceived versus the subtruth underneath.

I wear the mask that spawns and steals
identity, that tricks and deceives, that assumes
personality and masquerades contrasting façades.
With the amalgamation of time and artful manipulation,
the primordial guise triumphed in its coup d'etat.

In assorted colors, written plainly are the
contusions of pretense. Juxtapose Bruce
and it, athwart a mirror wherein Majora gazes,
the previously inverted epitaphs and the manifestation
of the being Ecurb are linked to expose subtruth.
I wear the mask.

About-face reveals no face at all. A collection of cryptic arcana
appears translucently against a dusty, nebulous backdrop.
Upon layering acoustics, self ascends along an empyrean,
surreal road, flying parallel to a familiar stranger for
a solitary moment, when at the fork of reality
they split, and I wake from hypnagogia.
I wear the mask.

Procrastination pt2

Good morning! Or, Grand Rising! as TikTok etymologists would say. They do have a point: words have far more power than we are initially led to believe. The "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is only surface-level. Even the strongest of confidence and ego are affected on a subconscious level and are susceptible to erosion. The argument is words are spells, and I find it hard to disagree. Ancient civilizations certainly believed so, whether they actually practiced witchcraft (if it exists) or were just grounded and aware of how everything is energy and frequency. I wonder how hearing "mourning" every single day might affect us?

I thought it would be apropos to procrastinate this post with a preluded tangent. I am not an expert on procrastination especially as I still do it daily. It is a major hurdle in my life that I ultimately allowed to exist as I have never had the understanding and mindset to conquer it. It is the core reason why I did not excel in school - I could ace tests, but I almost never did homework. I waited to the very last minute for every single school project and paper, all the way through university. I was and am capable of writing well, but never on the first draft. Every time I received my graded papers I was appalled at my own writing and frustrated with myself that I couldn't seem to self-motivate ahead of time to allow for editing and revision. As such, I've consistently failed to further my career, finish my own projects and create anything of substantial value because I've relied on external sources in fear of consequence. A trap so many people fall into and never escape.

Unlike in Procrastination pt1, I wasn't making any steady progress on my own. I procrastinated on writing this post and others, but I am actually fulfilling it without the aforementioned motivation factors. I've learned so much in my life, including lots of little things that add up to the mindset and mentality I have and continue to develop. I recently reframed what "wants" and "needs" really are: our needs are derived from our wants. I need to work out, because I want to be physically fit, look good and live longer. I need to write these posts, because I want to create a habit of writing daily, expressing myself and connecting with other intellectually motivated people. I need to turn my ideas into reality, because I want to be the positive change I want to see in the world.

I don't know how to teach how to conquer procrastination, other than "just do it!" Well, do a little bit each day, not all at once. Be content with minimal but consistent progress. It is something that has to click within you. For me, it was years of avoidance and frustration bubbling up to a series of mental breakdowns that ushered in this newfound willpower to do. I'm still not sure if that was an inevitability. I still clearly struggle with procrastination but that is primarily due to my lack of a structured routine (work-in-progress). The goal is always to be better than yourself. Be better than who you were yesterday. That's all we can really ever strive to do.

No particular quote regarding this topic appears in my mind to share with you. There are great quotes and ideas attempting to convey the importance of doing things daily and living in the present moment, for that is all we have and is the only way to better our tomorrow and future. Hearing or reading these quotes can resonate with us, but it takes a certain something for it to click in a way to make us act. While I still struggle giving it my all, my objective is this:

     “...the best possible way to prepare for tomorrow is to concentrate with all your intelligence, all your enthusiasm, on doing today's work superbly today. That is the only possible way you can prepare for the future.” - Dale Carnegie

Procrastination pt1

Despite beginning my day great with exercise, yoga, and meditation on procrastination, I procrastinated writing this post. I even wrote an outline but I chose to do a lot of behind-the-scenes work instead. I didn't forget about this blog, but today was destined from the beginning to be a little rough. I survived. I also started getting more involved in supporting my friends with their art or other interests, spent time with family, and some housekeeping. I did not boot up a game; I stayed as productive as possible, without pushing too hard and burning out. Overall a good day. I do have so much to write about but I am not pushing myself excessively. I think I'm on a great and sustainable pace right now with everything considered!

So I shall procrastinate a little bit more.

    "It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop." -Confucius

Little Update

I maybe shouldn't feel compelled to write every day but I did start this blog with the intention of writing daily for #100Days. I did have an idea for a post earlier today but I distracted myself down multiple rabbit-holes until now. I procrastinated. It deserves a little more effort, so instead I will just give a little update about this website and my life? And honestly the trading posts probably shouldn't count or maybe I shouldn't congest this blog with them. They could be on another page or perhaps Listed will implement categories. I am happy with - for once - in my other posts thus-far.

Deciding on a custom domain name for this blog and site, and exploring what I might be able to do within StandardNotes/Listed and with external extensions and customization. Nothing fancy for the name, just picking some fun and inexpensive TLD like .love or .xyz or .star (actually this one is private and cannot be registered... would've been perfect!).

An update about my life? Stumbling and faltering along my quest to uproot negative habits and dependencies, but picking myself up and enduring. Habits take time to undo or create, so I forgive myself as it's only natural. Establishing a consistent routine in the absence of one is a process; my plan includes meditating and exercising first thing in the morning as to not give myself the chance to not do them later in the day, delaying eating until I should or am absolutely hungry, deflecting the urge to play video games into writing or creating (but still allowing myself some fun sometimes), taking time away from trading and charting to read books, flossing daily again, resisting the draw to alcohol or other drugs to "relax", and more. I know I shouldn't try to do everything at once - I've failed at this many times - but I seem to be doing pretty great this time around. I definitely could benefit from an extended dopamine detox. Slowly but surely channeling the energy, urge and restlessness to consume/play video games (as a life-long "addict") into projects, exercise and archery, or into meditation and focusing on existing in the present moment so that I can hopefully reduce my hyperactivity and dopamine crave. I not only have finally distanced myself from my hardcore World of Warcraft guild of over two years (after playing the game since 2004), but I also recently withdrew from a potential love-interest out of respect for her and myself. I've been doing everything in the world except clean my room and respond to family & friends, so let me first cross those chasms.

    "So I kept traveling, kept it ongoing
    I kept babbling as I kept unraveling this long hole I'm in
    And there's no way to dig out, get out of my way
    There's no thing that the kid can live out of any day
    So let's play with the video games and
    the individual pain that paints the paint in your brain" -Eyedea (freestyle, Duluth is Truth)


I am really intrigued by, and partial to, the notion that ideas and inspiration are energetic waves that travel through the universe or through whatever metaphysical media and are intercepted by minds, perhaps related to the pineal gland, and perhaps in priority of spiritual attunement to this flow. The more at ease your mind - free from mind-altering substances**, anxiety, stress, anything that create blockages - the more attuned and receptive you are to imagination, inspiration, ingenuity.

Stay grounded to receive cosmic airdrops.

    "Whatever that apothecary put into my jar
    it made me want to forget that my body is made of stars.
    There's fires in all the graves (Those fires will never die)
    We keep killing all the flames." - Joe Horton / No Bird Sing, Basquiat Loves Company

I have had countless great ideas since early grade school - of inventions, stories, games, environmental initiatives, educational reformation, futuristic and sustainable societies and their intricacies - only to not act upon them and see others actualize them years later. I received the signals first, but they acted. Act on my intuition! - it is quite literally divine inspiration! It may just be our purpose in life.

Invoke intuition & implement inspiration. Do not let fortunate opportunities pass.

    "Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back -- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets: Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it." - W.H. Murray

Sidenote: In attempt to search for the above Murray quote, I stumbled upon an excerpt from some book titled "Modernism and Poetic Inspiration: The Shadow Mouth" about Orpheus and Eurydice, which seems to touch on this same phenomenon in a different way. Going to check this out after various pieces by T. S. Elliot in my backlog.

    "Orphic sensibility is attunement to what's beneath attention, ungraspable except in those heightened states of distraction otherwise known as inspiration, and even then realized only as expenditure, as jubilation and lament." - from the aforementioned book

Edit 5/25/2022
**This isn't entirely accurate. I shouldn't have said "free" from mind-altering substances - that was born out of a desperate desire to improve my habits and I momentarily clung to the Christian and AA ideas that total sobriety/abstinence is the "true" way to live. The true way to live lies in balance and moderation - homeostasis and psychosynthesis. No one else's reality is mine, or yours. We are immensely complex and varied; we have to search within ourselves the truth. Inspiration flows more easily when one is harmonized with the internal and external. Holism is holy.


I find myself having another writer's/creative block these last couple days; maybe because of poor sleep and not enforcing a daily routine, or maybe because it's just the ebb and flow of inspiration. Writer's block is also said to not really exist, and its cure is to simply write anything no matter how good or bad, because the good will always eventually happen. Not every effort has to yield desired results and not every day has to be a "good" day (though any day alive truly is good).

It is difficult for me to be consistent because truthfully I haven't enforced consistency of habit in almost anything about my daily life for several years now, which was a purposeful yet misguided decision I made in attempt to be more flexible and available for anything or any plans with anyone. I have learned the hard way that, despite trying to "go with the flow", I not only tried too hard at not trying but I flowed right into an eddy of dissatisfaction and isolation; a maelstrom of chaotic stagnation. I, and probably all humans, require some modicum of structure, consistency and support. We require goals and a means to achieve them. We, even the most introverted and independent, require some help, cooperation and validation for sustainable growth and success. I didn't think so.

Acceptance is what will allow me to finally move past the last seven years of wayfaring the dark abyss. Maybe rather dramatic, but I truly squandered countless opportunities for not only wealth but simply creative personal expression and connection to others. One could wish to change the past in a thousand different ways, maybe "if only one had a proper mentor to guide one's countless unapplied ideas". Maybe that someone can be judged as having negative, undesirable traits for a human being or member of society. The only thing that ever truly matters is the present moment because it is literally the only thing we have and can control. Some of the unique abilities we possess (in the known universe) are retrospection, imagination and speculation, but these are often used erroneously which can imprison oneself instead of liberate and improve.

Without further digression, I am learning to accept my past and my current self. I could be a multi-millionaire and effective philanthropist, or have this or that, or be doing that or this, but alas I am not because of actions and inactions. I am learning from these mistakes - painfully - and healing.

Meditated on acceptance today, this time using a guided app because hearing what you already may know from someone else helps to reframe and sink it in. Plus new ways of thinking about it:

  • Acceptance means sincerely letting everything happen in its own nature and letting go of the belief that it could've happened any differently - the variables were aligned as such. And of course - everything that has happened has brought us to this point, still alive and breathing. I could project that "if I didn't do X then I would've done Y and became Z", but all we can really do now is analyze why we did X instead of Y, and take steps to become Z if our heart and soul still pull us there (not a false feeling born out of regret and unacceptance).
  • Notice our mind's reaction to a situation, our thoughts and feelings about it, as if we're watching our thoughts from a distance. We can only free ourselves from our thoughts when we observe them objectively.
  • The journey to acceptance starts from seeing the parts of us that resist accepting or judge the acceptance of a situation. Not the situation itself, but our thoughts and concepts of it, and our resistance to it.
  • We're always accepting some things implicitly, so why struggle accepting other things? Granted, we don't have to "accept" negative consequences or situations we face in the present moment if we have a choice, but if negativity or unfavorability has befallen us, we can accept that it will pass as all things do.

Learned a new way to think and get into a meditative state as well...

  • Seated comfortably with eyes closed and steady effortless breaths, notice how gravity is pulling you toward the center of the earth. Feel the heaviness in your arms and legs with each breath. Purposefully identify and relax any part that is resisting. Surrender ourselves to gravity. Accept gravity.
  • Notice how it feels to be drawn toward the earth, to be supported unconditionally by the surface you're sitting on. How does it feel to let yourself go in this?
  • The past is in the past, and the future hasn't happened yet. This moment we're in is the only reality. Watch how your breath flows without changing anything.
  • Have to learn to trust yourself and your moments of intuition & gut feeling. Take the leap of faith - no matter what happens, no matter how big the risk, you will still have yourself on the other side of it all. If no one else is there, whether it's a big physical move or new career, you will be.

Acceptance is also completely required to be a successful trader. Must always accept the risk of downside and loss; the trick to being a consistent winner is sticking to the plan, limiting those losses, and finding other opportunities without any emotional impact of the loss. Losses will happen. Accept it.

And look how much I ended up writing.

I release all regrets. I absolve my mistakes.
I resolve to be a light in the darkness; æther amongst the elements.

Perfection is the enemy of good

"Le meglio è l'inimico del bene"

Perfectionism (noun) - A propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards.

Or, in my words: the paralysis of passion and willpower due to false pretense and expectation resulting from misguidance or trauma, usually unjustified with no prior achievement of perfection of any kind in any form; a mostly self-imposed delusional mental prison.

Not novel information; quite common actually. Resolvable by acknowledgement, forgiveness, acceptance, courage and faith in oneself. Easier said than done, but nothing good for you is easy.

Dozens of decade old notebooks stuffed with ideas and musings lay scattered and unshared. Maybe some were best kept on paper, but others were actualized by do'ers and artists and inventors around the world after I was given chance to. I channeled those moments of inspiration into nothing but ink on fiber. Yet, still better than the plethora of ideas and dream journals unwritten and forgotten - potentially the best of the best weren't even transcribed.

I cannot dwell on the past - will only move forward. This blog and future efforts will be to transcribe new moments of inspiration as they come, not digging up and immortalizing fossilized conceptions. However, if I happen to feel the desire to share something already made, I won't stop it from happening. I started this blog with the intention to post primarily about trading and technology, but the blog is writing itself.

So, I shall share what I made for my re-emergence on Instagram, and social media/society in general. I distanced myself from it years ago out of firstly a desire to detach from Pavlovian conditioning, interdependence and consumerist absorption; secondly a retreat from confidence, consistency and ego; ultimately a creative block and perfectionist paralysis.


The greater part of the last decade was psychologically challenging and spiritually enlightening. Not just for myself - I learned my experiences may seem unique but are abstractly the same cycles we all undergo.

"It's beautiful the way agony connects us to the living; I think of the world when I hurt and keep on existing in the now." - Micheal Larsen//Eyedea
Not that I mean to invoke the words of a Catholic cardinal, but this is the best quote to describe the last decade of crippling perfectionist paralysis.
"Le meglio è l'inimico del bene."
Perfection is the enemy of good.


Hello world

Error 418 I'm a teapot

4am prose 432Hz

Breathe. Relax. Sense. Exist and be grounded. A wonderful time is upon us: a time for action, a time for change, a time for courage and strength! Invest in yourself, and be met with an abundance of wisdom and revelation. Yet, be grounded - breathe, listen, feel, exist... look at who, what you are! Oh, the circumstance of existence! Life is quite preposterous, yet profound; zany, yet harmonized; a bitch, yet our High Priestess.

Breathe. Allow light to come in; feel lifted by it. It is warmth. And it is fluid. It is energy, it is frequency, it is vibration, it is chi, it is holy spirit, it is source. It is real.

I can create anything I want. I can be anyone I want.

I have heard and said these things in some form or another in vain attempt to manifest, but never have I quite understood them as now. Inaction wrought nothing! My imprisoned ideas illustrate experience, emotion, imagination; a cosmic piece of the vast everything!

Breathe, and I can create anything I want. I can write, and worlds materialize. I can wax, and the fates of stars wane. Master myself, and I control my universe. I can be anyone I want.

A time.
It is.

I Chronicle New Moon in Scorpio 432Hz - Breathe

Randomly felt inspired to write this tonight as I was meditating and realigning with my goals and intentions. I'm not quite a believer in astrology (it certainly is shrouded in fair criticism), just spiritual and curious. Curious coincidences.

This started out as just bullet notes to self - chronicling this November month of inspiration and creativity - and evolved into a subtly crafted piece of... prose?

I overwhelm myself with so many things to do all at once; the handling is not graceful. The process and progress are neither efficient nor encouraging for pleasure, paradise or prosperity. But it is now a process! - no longer paralyzed by perfectionism. Limitless ideas continue to flow and I shall conquer my world.

I'm not sure what I'm doing with this blog, what subject matter or format I want to do or any of it. I am just simply doing.

"Knowing is not enough; we must apply! Willing is not enough; we must do!" -Johann Wolfgang

Hello World

Error 418 I'm a teapot

Really enjoying StandardNote + Listed right now. Might become one of my favorite apps of all time.
Going to attempt the #100Days challenge. I write a couple times a week in my physical journals, so I will attempt to increase that frequency and share some of those thoughts with the metaverse.

Really want to establish branding/theme. Celestial cephalopod vibe.

And starting in this astrologically significant month I will finally end this seven-year long cycle of self-disempowerment, self-torture, self-sabotage. I have so much to share on this in time, but the gist is I have been living in strife and dissonance since I stopped pursuing my ambitions and higher-calling about seven years ago and chose to live in miserable comfort. It wasn't all miserable - I did experience great things, places and people - but I have been fundamentally anxious, ungrounded and dangerously chaotic. In February earlier this year, I was awakened; now, I am ascending.

Out with the old, in with the new. I am infinite.

Eyedea - The Dive (Part 2):

"Maybe I had to go crazy to get where I am
I felt myself slipping away and I let myself fall
Gotta lose your mind before you find it
And when you finally find it you'll find out you never lost it at all
There's a natural flow, that's attached to the soul
It don't ask you to go, it just gradually pulls
It's always now and you're never not you
So follow yourself because if nothing else: your existence is true"