Lavitz Star

randomly writing about things as I live and learn. I enjoy thinking about everything and connecting with people to make the world a better place :)

I'm just a guy

I’m just a guy. A guy who loves to think about and do [almost] everything, even if not very well. A guy who spreads himself thin across a hundred different pursuits and would probably benefit from meds but prefers to live enraptured in the creative chaos. A guy who has been making incredible self-development progress but is also in some ways right back where he was a decade prior.

I’m just a guy who loves to walk around and behold the miracles of nature. A guy who wants to talk to everyone and understand every perspective and offer encouraging words. A guy who would be content listening to audiobooks, hiking around and writing, not making any money but feels like he should understand and harmonize all of his interests & capabilities for great change.

I’m just a guy who loves to practice archery, mostly as a meditative form of zen, and soon practicing mixed martial arts and taking SCUBA diving lessons. A guy who enjoys attending renaissance faires, music festivals and virtually any community event. A guy who enjoys long drives and walks on the beach as much as visiting museums and zoos.

I'm just a guy who recently began exploring meditation, spirituality in all its forms and the nature of consciousness & metaphysics. A guy who sometimes writes poetry & songs and thinks about inventions & systemic changes to improve the world. A guy who desires to help save the reefs & ocean ecosystems.

I’m just a guy who co-founded some clubs & hackathons, created & lead internship programs and was involved in hiring processes, and had some team & organizational leadership positions but quit for self-critical reasons arising from addictions and trying to fit in the wrong crowds. A guy who somehow impressed at every internship and job but fell off from a complex result of boredom and uncontrolled interest in a hundred things outside of work. A guy who who gets along with most everyone but consistently dismissed encouragement and praise from friends, managers and strangers.

I’m just a guy who was given incredible privileges & opportunities but shamefully didn’t stick to any of them. A guy who moved & traveled too often growing up to have lasting friendships but gained myriad perspectives of the world. A guy who loves learning about all sorts of subjects, from physics to artificial intelligence to the humanities, but doesn’t feel like pursuing them in a structured way.

I’m just a guy who has a repressed, underdeveloped entrepreneurial spirit. A guy who has had exposure to startups, organization & project management, stakeholder relationships and networking. A guy who is capable of doing more of that but has a gap of many years and is having to learn & re-learn much, who could benefit from exposing himself to it via joining an existing company or perhaps being forged through the fire of entrepreneurship.

I’m just a guy who played a bit of every sport and who spent nearly 100,000 hours playing every type of game. A guy who feels like he should pursue game development because of his breadth of perspective, his heart’s desire, his former peak happiness in a 2-year long game development academy a decade ago, his longing for making something during his darkest moments, his stacks of notebooks and digital notes & spreadsheets since middle school of not only mere game & mod ideas but of thinking through everything from gameplay experience, balancing, physics, storytelling, audio & music, UI, AI, etc. A guy who erroneously listened to naysayers it wasn’t worth pursuing for a variety of inept and short-sighted reasons like burnout, low pay and doesn’t contribute anything to the world, who then pursued a career in web/app development making things that don't really contribute anything to the world.

I’m just a guy who loves to cook, take care of the house, garden and do stay-at-home-husband type things. A guy who has had great relationships fall into his lap and wonders if the same will happen again or if he needs to actively search. A guy who knows/thinks that search can’t begin without getting back on his feet professionally.

I’m just a guy who is emerging from the wilderness, more confident and self-knowing than ever before but is still actively figuring out the best use of his talents & aptitudes. A guy who has multiple incredible opportunities in front of him and could reasonably handle them if he didn’t have the almost-imaginary stress of money, trusting that money will flow when the honest work is done. A guy who has been applying and interviewing for jobs for that monetary stability but is strongly mindful of burnout and wanting to have the time & energy to commit to several active startups/projects as well as all his non-professional interests during the week.

I'm just a guy who experiences the ups & downs of life. A guy who has a wild active imagination & intellect yet hasn't figured out how to channel them properly. A guy who wants to see the world improve through better systems and a global renaissance of love, compassion and unitive One-ness.

I'm just a guy.

Webinar Notes: Tuning Into Your Calling

Notes taken during a webinar hosted by Sarah Rozenthuler and the Scientific And Medical Network, my 20th or so SMN webinar. At the end of this post I begin exploring what my purpose really is - something that's always evolving. I've been going back and forth whether I should publish webinar notes to this blog, but I think I will, and may upload notes of past webinars eventually.
The pandemic has certainly caused many/most people to ask "why?" - "why am I doing x" or "why does x matter"

“The sculpture is already complete within the marble block, before I start my work. It is already there, I just have to chisel away the superfluous material.”
— Michelangelo

The Great Resignation

"Purpose creates an uplift in wellbeing and performance"

"How to help people in their day-to-day work link with their sense of purpose"

What does purpose mean to you? (me)
- useful/fulfilling application of skills & talents which generates happiness and contributes positively in the world
- learn and apply lessons, benefit one's community
- Roger: "to accomplish idealized conditions of existence for all persons I am connected with such that they are beneficiated."
- Diana: "Being centered in essence and not ego."
- Stefan: “Purpose is my unique way to make this world a beautiful, happy place.”
- Chris: "Our purpose is our own unique goal that we plan to attain in this lifetime while observing the natural principles that describe Divine Love. It is a set of actions; a directional path of intent we desire to pursue for the expansion, growth and evolution of our own consciousness."

Defining personal purpose
A meaningful and enduring reason to exist that:

A. enables you to earn a living
B. is intrinsically enjoyable
C. makes a difference to others (human or non-human)

Individual reflection
- How would you rank these three elements? Why?
- Is there a 'D' for you?

others' D's:
- D. Gives a meaning to my life
- D: Provides scope for personal development or growth
- D) for me: makes me feel more alive and connected to life or God.
- My D would have to do with spirituality. Carrying out the Soul's purpose for example

Roger: "A personal purpose harnesses and allows the directing of one's spiritual Life-Force . . . and it from this basic that all else can follow."

I like what Eckhart Tolle says:
“You are here to enable the divine purpose of the Universe to unfold. That is how important you are!”

Diana: "At 81 I look back on having followed purpose all my life. At one time, after founding The Inside Edge, I gave parties where people were invited to show up as who they would be in 5 years. Dr. Susan Jeffers was there and had not yet written a book. She showed up with 3 mock books and said she'd just returned from her 3rd NY Times bestseller. She actually did that, starting with “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.” "

How to uncover an authentic purpose?

"To change the world's mind about God" - Neale Donald Walsch ("prolific author")

his purpose in 7 words. how can I do that? what is my purpose?

What is a 'beneficiary'?

- Your team members if you're a team leader
- Your customers if you work in a call centre
- Your patients if you work in a healthcare organisation
- Animals and plants if you work in such professions

Organisational Purpose Diamond - Beneficiaries
- Founding purpose: What the founders created the organisation to do
- Espoused purpose: The articulated purpose of the organisation
- Lived purpose: The purpose that the organisation currently embodies, regardless of what it says it is doing
- True/authentic/compelling purpose: The best future potential of the organisation

Personal Purpose Diamond - Beneficiaries
- Inherited purpose: The purpose given to you by your family of origin - what others expect you to do
- Constructured purpose: Your articulated purpose - what you say you're about
- Lived purpose: What you are currently embodying, regardless of what you say you're doing
- True/authentic purpose: Your best future potential that brings a sense of aliveness

Benefits of an authentic purpose:
- Flow
- Optimism and hope
- Motivation
- Orientation
- Resilience
- Self-esteem
- Lowers psychological discord / psychic entropy

Six varieties of purpose
• Survival purpose – satisfying basic needs (yours and your children’s) for food, shelter, safety and security
• Pre-existing purpose – aligning with a belief system or religion or affiliation to a club/group
• Personal-accumulative purpose – achieving more wealth, status, success or power
• Altruistic/idealistic purpose – improving or contributing to society, alleviating suffering
• Self-expansive purpose – uncovering and expressing your potential through creativity, intellectual growth or spiritual development
• Transpersonal purpose – becoming a channel for a purpose which flows through you

"Guidance encourages us to muster courage and take risks"

First breakout room:

1. How do you perceive your purpose?
2. In which of the six categories would you place it (or in none of them)?
3. How has your purpose evolved beyond what your parents/ancestors/main caretakers expected of you?

Use the "Six varieties of purpose" above

Second breakout room:

1. What do you feel drawn to? Where do you feel a sense of ‘this is me’? With whom? Doing what?
2. In what way is the future ‘whispering’ to you?
3. How could you inject more joy, meaning and creativity into your life/work/retirement?

So, what is MY purpose? Still figuring it out, and it'll always be evolving.

general fantasy idea that circulates my mind: usher in a solarpunk atlantis?

channel and materialize the creativity & inventiveness of my soul/spirits? save the reefs? share my stories to inspire others? channel divine inspiration? share stories, channel & materialize inspiration, serve others? To use my God-given talents/abilities in service to others while providing personal fulfillment. To develop & evolve the soul. To have a humbling human experience and transmute darkness to light to raise global consciousness. I had a professional astrological "vocational report” done for me which really illuminated my innate talents & “soul” purpose.

Perhaps my purpose is multifacted and could be broken down 6 ways:

- Transpersonal purpose: perform the works of God / channel divine inspiration / align with my higher self / follow my heart & gut

- Self-expansive purpose: understand and express my Self in the Flow state / through creative endeavors & industriousness

- Altruistic/idealistic purpose: share my story of addiction & darkness to help others, help save the reefs, help steer society in a positive direction locally and perhaps through software/technology, rise to servant leadership if called upon

- Personal-accumulative purpose: not driven by material wealth & power but to acquire knowledge & wisdom & skills, to overcome fears & obstacles, to constantly improve each day, to evolve my soul. but simultaneously yes I'd like to acquire large sums of money so I can redirect it toward both helping my family & friends and helping the greater community through funding my & others' ideas and through well-vetted donations

- Pre-existing purpose: I'm not really held to a belief system given to me my parents or society or such, except by subconscious programming of "be a good citizen", "follow the laws", "do unto others as you would have done unto you" and various commandments. but I do lean toward believing that my soul chose this incarnation with a purpose, and I'm to unravel all the programming/conditioning, get my ego out of the way and figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing. kind of "transpersonal" though

- Survival purpose: enough money/sustainability for clean air, clean water, healthy food, shelter, safety. not work a job i hate, not spend time doing things i don't want to do. building & maintaining healthy physique, able to lift & run & swim a lot. etc.

A June Miracle

It is now thoroughly impossible for me to not believe in miracles, synchronicities, fate, destiny, the Universe, "Source" or "God". There's some metaphysical fabric that weaves together timelines and fates.

It may not seem like much at first, but I randomly encountered someone in New York City I had just met online a week prior. Not at some event venue or mutual place of interest but on the street at 1:30am on the same block as my Airbnb.

Miracles, synchronicities, impossible coincidences - proof that some divine handiwork exists in this reality. I'm not trying to convince anyone. So much has been written by so many people on such things. I'm just sharing a story. I have hundreds of stories I can share from this year alone, but I'll share one of the most striking and understandable (yet hardly believable) coincidences.

First, the story in few words, then I'll elaborate. I didn't win the lottery or gain anything physical but a profound love and appreciation for this magical reality.

On a crazy trip to Texas for the crypto conference Consensus, I learned of a project I wanted to get involved with: Littercoin. The following week I joined their Slack and their weekly community call on Zoom in which there were only eight people from various countries. I was on camera, introduced myself, and just listened to the updates and plans. I didn't learn where anyone else was from as it was entirely irrelevant. The next week I spontaneously traveled to New York City for another crypto conference NFT NYC. On the third night, as I was walking back to my Airbnb in Upper West Side Manhattan (which I didn't even book - more on that below) from the local subway station, I decided to take a detour to find a place that sold water. It was after 1:00 am but I was successful. And then! - walking back to my Airbnb I pass by a young man who lives houseless with his bicycle equipped with all sorts of gear. He was awake but looked like he was preparing to sleep, and I walked past being tired myself and so close to my bed, but then something within me told me to turn around and say hello. Maybe he could use a friendly conversation, and I wanted to entertain my curiosity about his way of life: was it by choice, what sorts of things does he have to deal with, etc. I introduce myself and we begin talking but then he says "wait, I feel like I've seen you before." I don't remember him so I jokingly say "perhaps in a previous life!" Then it clicks to him, as astonished as I was: "you were the new guy on the Littercoin Zoom call last week!"

New York City is massive (the Earth is pretty massive relatively). How??? How did I randomly encounter this dude I just met online a week prior on the same block of my Airbnb (which I didn't even pick)?

The Universe is incredible. God is incredible. There's more magic to this story and I have a hundred more stories like this from the last five months. I've learned, just like the W.H. Murray quote in my Inspiration post, that when you definitely commit yourself and take risks (the whole NYC trip was a massive spontaneous risk) then the universe unfolds itself for you in supremely magical ways. The first several synchronicities I experienced this year made me feel absolutely insane but I have learned this is just how reality works when you align with it.

I experienced an astonishing amount of miracles/synchronicities in the month of June, notably during my two trips to Austin, Texas and NYC. The idea of synchronicities and miracles are often hard to understand for people who have not learned to see them and experienced them. Everyone has, of course, experienced them but not everyone recognizes them as such nor believe in their meaningfulness. I was that someone until last year coinciding with the time I took a step back from life and really dug into my psyche: seeking to understand and move past my life-long regrets, mistakes, what-ifs, self-destructive behaviors, addictions, etc. I had enough of life but I engaged what is often called "shadow work" through which I began to recognize and see coincidences everywhere, especially throughout my entire life history. Everything seems to happen for a reason and synchronicities seem to be indications that we're on the right path, whether that means aligning with our soul or following the will of God (we of course don't actually know anything, but these are common understandings/interpretations).

There are many quotes I could mention but here is one I recently tweeted, perhaps the most apropos:

"Synchronicities accompany the crucial faces of the process of individuation, but too often they pass unnoticed because the individual has not learned to watch for such coincidences and to make them meaningful in relation to the symbolism of his inner life. Be on the watch for events in your life that may seem random and see what meaning might come up for you if you let them live within you for some time. Synchronicity is a way of coming to realize what is in our deepest, undiscovered self." - from Eternalised' youtube video.

And per Dr David Hawkins' "Scale of Consciousness" the vibration of Love, Joy, Peace and Enlightenment yield "synchronicity and extraordinary outcomes". I'm not claiming to be enlightened, but I hold love & joy within my being for everyone and everything almost always. I've trained my eyes and ears to pay attention to virtually everything, which required me to train my mind through many months of intensive unraveling of life-long programming.

I've journaled and could share hundreds of coincidences/synchronicities I've experienced in my life, especially the last six months. I have many thoughts on what these mean, why I'm experiencing them, and how it appears more and more people are having similar awakenings at this moment globally (or perhaps it's simply the various social media algorithms connecting me with those few people).

Sharing them wouldn't be very effective, at least positively. They would certainly alienate me and beckon multitudes to call me crazy, delusional, insane, etc. So I shall share just a couple for now - one of the most striking and understandable (yet hardly believable) coincidences.

More details of the story:

On my trip to Austin, Texas to attend one of the biggest conferences in technology and crypto, Consensus (which I serendipitously received a free ticket valued at $1200 just a couple weeks prior - a story I could expound upon), aside from meeting many incredible individuals I was pitching my old idea to incentivize via unique and practical gamification the picking up of litter, titled CleanCity (partially detailed here), to various investors and project owners. A few of them mentioned to me the Littercoin project which I hadn't heard of and was coincidentally building on Cardano, the blockchain I've been most interested in.

The following week I joined their Slack and their weekly community call on Zoom in which there were only eight people from various countries. I was on camera, introduced myself, and just listened to the updates and plans. I didn't learn where anyone else was from as it was entirely irrelevant. 

The next week I traveled to New York City, which was an even crazier trip both the complete spontaneity of deciding to go and the incredible experiences & synchronicities that would fill a lengthy chapter in my autobiography. The trip was Monday to Friday morning and I booked a place to stay via Airbnb for only Monday & Tuesday nights as I was leaving the option open to stay elsewhere the rest of the week. When I arrived to the Airbnb, I called the host and was informed that the apartment building had randomly changed all the locks and they needed to get keys made which would be a hassle. So, he offered to either refund me or move me to another one of his apartments many blocks away. I went with the latter. It was right next to Central Park which was awesome because I could spend my mornings there exercising and meditating.

Fast forward to Wednesday, I decided I liked the place enough to stay so I asked the host for an extra night and he obliged. I was going to spend Thursday night awake as the flight left in the morning (which I could write an equally lengthy story of another incredible, unbelievable synchronicity). On Wednesday night after midnight, as I was walking back to my Airbnb in Upper West Side Manhattan (which I didn't even book - more on that below) from the local subway station, I decided to take a detour to find a place that sold water. It was after 1 AM but I was successful. And then! - walking back to my Airbnb I pass by a young man who lives houseless with his bicycle equipped with all sorts of gear. He was awake but looked like he was preparing to sleep, and I walked past being tired myself and so close to my bed, but then something within me told me to turn around and say hello. Maybe he could use a friendly conversation, and I wanted to entertain my curiosity about his way of life: was it by choice, what sorts of things does he have to deal with, etc. I introduce myself and we begin talking but then he says "wait, I feel like I've seen you before." I don't remember him so I jokingly say "perhaps in a previous life!" Then it clicks to him, as astonished as I was: "you were the new guy on the Littercoin Zoom call last week!"


Then as a followup to this story, I was wandering in Central Park after a few events downtown, and suddenly remembered that the Littercoin call happens in 15 minutes. I decide to hit up that guy via Slack asking where he sets up for the call in hopes I might be able to meet up with him in time. He responds he's in Central Park and only a ten minute walk away. Wow. I meet up with him and think how crazy it'll be to the other people on the call how we met and are sitting right next to each other. The call starts, and his phone dies. Like, it glitches and he's unable to use it for an hour. If I wasn't there, he wouldn't have been able to join the call. Wow.

I left him with a few parting gifts and spent every day since thanking God for this and the dozens of other incredible memories.

A Poetic Stream of Consciousness

Originally streamed March 20, 2022. Held as potential lyrics, now dumping just to get them off my mind. I'm still sitting on a lot of lyrics.

One hundred browser tabs a transient brainstor-m
Manic break aftermath an aroma of petrichor
One hundred empires rise and fall they're temporal
Let the tides subside there's beauty in the ephemeral

Stagnant society smells swampy in miasma
Modern convenience side-affecting us with asthma
Pharma foretelling fix yet poisoning our plasma
Celestial children feeling lost in diaspora

Devil-may-care imprisoned in this daycare
Devil has heirs in careless billionaires
Devil laid bare no clothes which he wears
Devil's affairs printing money in his lair

One hundred rulers of our planet unelected
Ending a hundred generations disconnected
Hard times beget great men but we're dejected
Be the change you want to see 'fore we're infected

Carpe diem, carpe noctem
Twenty seven years stuck at the bottom
Then I killed ego, sowed, now I blossom
Don't want stardom rather seize in the quantum

Don't want the attention so I alt-f4
Rather draw attention to Yemen & Darfur
Tyrants lust for power that isn't theirs
Trust we the people and in God upstairs

Civilization isn't collapsing it's just undergoing change
Cycle of society I know times are strange
Solution is a non-violent conscious revolution
Soon we'll enter a Golden Age of improvement

All it takes is a little bit of effort & faith
Maybe take a trip or chill with an eighth
The only sin is abuse & overindulgence
Your body's a temple, treat it with exultance

Heaven is on Earth, it's the Light that's inside you
Hell's on Earth, too, it's what limits your point of view
Whether through the voodoo or jiujitsu
We must breakthrough to a better avenue

Found and loved my gods now they work through me
Hesiod and Thoth writing their decree
I released everything mine now I channel the divine
Devoting all energy into this moment in time

Etching cuneiform in my human form
Scarabs swarming, keep an ankh in my uniform
I’ve got a bone to pick with Gilgamesh
Should’ve chased Lilith now we’re cursed in the flesh

Just an epic tale of a Gemini resisting Taurus
Ishtar enraged from slain demon in Cedar Forest
Enkidu sacrificed for his friend like Lavi-itz
Life is a balance of seven terrors & radiance

A hundred tales of one man and fifty rowers
Coincidence with the orbits of Sirius
Fifty cosmonauts asking what’s with that Golden Fleece?
Noah’s Ark I’m Joan of Arc a martyr for peace

A hundred geniuses murdered in the name of Pisces
Now's the dawning of the Age of Aquarius
Let the sunshine in take it back to '69
Sympathy & trust abounding we'll get through this!

Mary wanna root her tendrils it's astronomy
Kezi-ah conjuring with metaphysical geometry
Amy-gdala dancing in limbo with a lich
Lavi-nia & Zackwell summoned Disc Four Dunwich

Donned so many masks
Absorbed each persona
Been non grata in my casks
Basquiat in addy casques

Bared my sins, disintegrated
Expressing my moraine
All the lessons integrated
Reconstructing glacial terrain

Tectonics shift turn mountains to cliffs
Standing out the big green Clifford (lol)
Curious chimp homo sapien to luden
Hypnagogic lyrics mental quaaludens

Swinging my spear, double impale
Summoning the force of a gale
Gusts of wind fall on beds of nails
Blowing down Cairn Stones, Deckard exhales

Don't lust, stay true
Lest the curse befalls you
What a shame that would do
Dying before your purpose due

It's not that genius is a rare phenomenon
It took sweat & tears to build this Parthenon
Protect and grow your heart not another's charictature
Be glorious - give style to your character

Imagine if we could see all the stars again
What would we imagine not listening to charlatans
Why did we build a thousand suns for the night?
Wouldn't have much crime if basic needs were met

I have no ill will or contempt toward my fellow man
It's only selfish world leaders I can't stand
Spineless and visionless sticking to a tattered manuscript
Gotta change with the seasons and trust the children's hands

This way of life is unholy but we can't see a way out
Imprisoned over money, crying out in this spiritual drought
Never taught to know ourselves just swallow pills and follow script
But hope is here, together believe and together we'll surmount

Pray tell your honest thoughts and insecurities
Release your buried pain and purify your impurities
Life's a trial by fire and your phoenix wings are clipped
Let go of all that troubles you and be reborn, true maturity

I'm no genius no prophet no leader no saint
I'm poor but I have more than a plastic coat of paint
How did 6000 years of civilization turn into a soulless crypt?
We're all born equal so how is authority not society's taint?

I see good in every person, refuse to believe conspiracy
The road to hell's paved with intentions of normalcy
Only the scared seek control over others, morals flipped
21st century tragedy we must peacefully return with urgency!

I'm pissed but I won't raise my voice
I speak in alignment with body mind and soul
Co-creating with the universe is the best choice
Rebelling against nature will exact an extinction toll

What other choice do we have, more prison and suicide?
What's the point of living in this morally corrupt vision?
Oil and pharmaceutical companies playing God it's putricide
We're animals with intelligence genociding with long division

The Founding Fathers went to war over far less
I don't want more bloodshed, can we just come together
Admit our mistakes, listen, and clean this mess
Before your own children wish you never lived

Civilization can scale without rules and regulations
Crime is non-existent when basic needs are met
Monopolies and career politicians are abominations
When did love thy neighbor and serve the people become a threat?

Old Raw Stream: Our Nations And Civilization

December 2, 2021 - raw stream of consciousness I meant to make into a coherent blog post but didn't, so f*** it. In a tiktok style rant, somewhat styled after certain creators.

"Friends, Americans, westernmen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Civilization, not to praise it." (heh)

What I really mean is: I am concerned for our way of life - which is an incredible privilege of comfort (well, at least half of us...) unachieved in all known history - and is ultimately given to us by our country/nation. Which, if you think about it, isn't the government body itself but the collective compromised agreements (constitutions) we have because our parents did, because their parents did, and so on. But it is a great system really: one that has evolved and changed in our parents lifetime and now in ours. And it is under actual threat. Maybe we are in a sort-of cold war with a foreign nation (depending on your country you may actually be at war [show countries at war on screen]), but we are definitely suffering from extremely weak and self-serving government bodies. Pretty much every nation. But we are not our governments! We should be!- but that's not how it actually works today. It could, it really could! [insert quote from Seneca(?) about how a corrupt government attracts corrupt people?] The only people with real power are those that shouldn't have it over us because they simply don't have our best interests in mind. It's not some sort of conspiracy, you only have to think about what people are in charge of making decisions that affect your life. As I can speak only for my nation, most people in positions of power (government or corporations) are hungry for the power itself and its benefits. They made college degrees and careers out of it. Instead of government being by and for the People (you, me, and our neighbors), in most cases it's treated as another corporation they work at - receiving money to speak or vote a certain way, by entities that seek to exploit loopholes or resources for higher profit margins so they can pay themselves extra (while people even in the USA starve). I will attempt to detail specifics on how things can change, but first I implore you to just critically think about how your lifestyle actually exists, good or bad. Specifically, think about what's important to you, and what those things are dependent on... It could be your computer and internet connection, your smartphone to talk to your friends and family, your bed and home that you might share with other loved humans and animals, your vehicle to ride to work or the store, your ability to afford food and housing [though most jobs are arbitrary or grossly inefficient and certainly underpaid given current economic variables]. But what are these important things really dependent on? Millions of individual pieces working together. "Pieces" being groups of people, whether companies or governments (or families). The generational momentum of technology, government, culture. However your phone and internet came to be (going all the way back to the beginning, not even 100 years ago though you could stretch back farther), however your home and family came to be, the roads, the businesses, the parks, the laws that structure it all, the people that make the laws, and the systems that exist to allow our Nations and Civilization itself to function. And - the real kicker - these systems only exist because we all continue to collectively believe in them. Now, I am not calling for us to stop believing, no don't do that exactly. Again, the systems are actually pretty good, but definitely need desperate improvements. Advancements to technology as far outpaced us, the people in power, our government policies and educational systems, our wisdom and ethics. There are a lot of truly bright people in this country and the whole world; people that could be the best leaders and public servants, but the system doesn't pay or incentivize enough to deal with the power hungry megalomaniacs that breed their children to continue to fight for power over other people. But they and we are at a breaking point. We all know this needs to happen. Though this needs to happen wisely; one does not call for action without a plan to follow-through. And I am not calling for any action in particular, especially physical. Just think. Thinking is our greatest weapon. It may seem silly to hear, but especially in this hyper-consumerist world that's designed to overwhelm us with dopamine (or other mind-altering chemicals as a cope from the world itself), we really all need to just think. Think together. We need to continue to work together as a nation, and a civilization, to continue to live life with all these wonderful privileges and comforts (and provide them to the rest of the world). We don't need to burn anything down. We don't need any violence in most cases. We just need to come together, have conversations, think together, compromise, and build new systems that work for us. Make voting matter. Actually get teaching and other service jobs adequately compensated and valued as jobs that benefit most to society and our way of life.

(sidenote: holy shit, just remember how it was me growing up on the internet, and now there's entire generations growing up the same way but worse. but it is important to note what led me to this thought! - how people/humans develop their psyche/understanding of the world through what's taught to them by their parents, teachers, and experiences. Humanity, and knowledge, is so diverse, that there are so many truths to know... and so many lies to know as well. How do humans grow up into a society they can agree to live in?)

A Wonderful Detour

Summary: A short story of an IRL encounter. Initially hastily tweeted on May 31, 2022.

On my long drive home westward from Virginia, I stopped for a perhaps foolishly long but absolutely fascinating detour in Charlottesville at, what I thought was a rare book store according to Google Maps, a residence-business of a man who curates and sells entire collections for libraries (and apparently buys and manages libraries too). It was off I-64 down some dirt road prefaced with a "Private Property - Do Not Trespass" sign. I reversed but then decided to ring the number upon which this man answered, slightly confused at the situation having never a random guest ask to check out the place, invited me despite "the place is quite messy and I wouldn't normally do this" and gave me specific directions.

The energy of the place felt powerful and I discovered via stone engraving that it was the former property of Thomas Jefferson, lined with magnificent trees surely as old as TJ himself. The man was warm & kind, telling me of his vocation and showing me around the mansion. The conversation was delightful and he allowed me to peruse his many bookshelves, while two young men assisted him in packing boxes for yet another library collection. After scanning shelf after shelf of books ranging from culinary to botany to history and philosophy, I randomly selected one and asked to read for a short while on the sprawling lawn. I was just vibing, in no rush to journey home.

The selection was Maxims by La Rochefoucauld. I heard of the book but never read it, and only managed to get through a third of it in this session. Initially sitting underneath the grandest tree (perhaps planted by TJ himself?!), I was incessantly interrupted by two loving, attention-seeking Black Labradors and began walking around the complex whilst both reading and throwing the frisbee they fetched. The book also had a yellowed catalog-newspaper clipping from pre-WW2 which detailed the summary and price of multiple books (most ranging from $2 to $4). I sadly did not take a picture of it but took a few others.

Unfortunately, while I had the thought to delay my journey another day and sojourn in the city, I hurried along, returning the book and giving thanks for such a wonderful spontaneous encounter. He, from earlier in the episode, handed me a list of landmarks, antique stores and a restaurant. I decided to delay my departure from C-ville another hour and a half to enjoy the tasteful & sightful delights of ancient Mitchie Tavern and Monticello.

A most wonderful, magical detour. While I was pressed to return home from a 10-day vacation to work, I allowed myself to listen to my wanderlust spirit and pay attention to synchronistic signs that quite often yield miracles. I have been breaking free from destination fixation, just living presently as if each day is my last. I want my life journey to be fun and spontaneous and full of happiness; it is these very moments that make me feel alive.

Here's four of a handful of pictures I took

4am prose part 2: Count Fibonacci

Wrote/channeled at 4am listening to 432Hz music. Coincidentally, a sort of fibonacci pattern developed, though it's a bit of a stretch.

Post: 4am prose 432Hz - November 6, 2021

4am prose 432Hz

4x "breathe"
2x hearts/perspectives (2nd person then 1st person)
3x "a time"
4x "yet"
9x "it is" (4+3+2)
13x "I" (9+4) (I am)

0 from the void
1 voice
1 prose
2 hearts
3 "a time"
5 "yet (rebalance 1 from "it is")
8 "it is" (rebalance 1 to "yet")
13 "I"
21 "it is" plus "I"
34 Count 4+2+3+4+9+13 minus 1 - nothing is perfect; there are anomalies within nature ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

89 sum of the above plus 1. The prodigal one returns!
377 word count of the full post as a cherry-on-top

"A time, yet it is I."

I describe a period of time as if it's separate from myself; but it is I. I am time. I am infinite. I am co-creating with the Universe. As above, so below.

"I'm one with the universe, one with the life flow. When you know that that which is below is above, the fear you once had will become love (feel the love)." -Eyedea, The Dive pt. 2

Webinar Notes: Science and Beyond

Summary: My first blogpost summarizing some highlights and my thoughts from a webinar I attended

Science and Beyond: Toward Greater Sanity through Science, Philosophy, Art, and Spirituality

I wasn't taking notes with the intention of writing a blogpost initially, so this post is more just a collection of quotes and ideas from the presentation. If I choose to continue this type of blogpost then I will give extra effort to provide more structure and coherency. Also: if this blog gets dense in content I will likely have to implement tagging & categories unless the Listed platform provides in the future.

This is the second webinar I have attended from this The Scientific & Medical Network community; the first being the introductory session A Call for a Renaissance of the Spirit of Humanities, on April 23. I have been thinking about spirituality and consciousness sporadically throughout my life, and with acceleration & devotion in the last couple years during the Covid-19 pandemic shenanigans, so I was absolutely hooked on that first session (which I may write about after this). I joined this community and plan on attending every webinar. I truly love these topics and this very important endeavor to revive wisdom and understanding of what it means to be a human being, which is not a "left-brain" dominated, ultra-reductionist, hyper-materialist dogmatic understanding of reality but a sensory & intuitive understanding of this truly supernatural and miraculous existence being one with nature and the universe.

This webinar, unlike the first, was mostly centered around one speaker, Prof Rolf Sattler, and his book titled Science and Beyond. Notes & paraphrasing:

  • How science is always iterating and evolving, "yet people in government and even many scientists talk about 'proof' and assert their experimental discoveries and reductionist world-views as fact. How is this possible?" Prof Settler invoked the analogy of the apparent fact of swans being all white until a black swan was discovered. Nowadays, it seems like black swans just get murdered and buried (my words). This is a recurring problem throughout history: scientists, from archaeologists & anthropologists to chemists & physicists get so proud of their discoveries and spend the rest of their life teaching students what they know, but when new discoveries challenge their legacy, instead of being proper scientists and adapting, they defend their ego and sometimes lash out in the most inhumane and unprofessional of ways (my words). "They love when they find something to disprove another's arguments but hate when contradictory evidence is presented toward their own beliefs/arguments".
  • Facts are theories... and you cannot disprove one's hypothetical with another hypothetical... it is impossible to absolutely disprove a theory or any scientific tenant
  • Science is not concerned with uniqueness, only replicability"... "if experiments cannot be replicated, then the experiment/observation that had been done before must be wrong... I think this is a fallacious conclusion because we know that everything we know/experiment is context-dependent. If the context changes, then the result of the experiment can change. Contexts are always changing. in some cases it may be that the reason of replication is often so difficult.
  • Science is concerned with shared perception... if we share one perception, then we consider that 'objective'. That notion of objectivity is considered 'useful' in science. Knowing we have 5 fingers is a shared experience, so we call that objective. But seeing auras around the fingers is not shared by too many people, so that would be considered subjective because it's not widely shared. But does that mean it's not real?
  • Subjectivity is not desired in science because it is focused on shared experiences. [But] if you look at history, there have been many unusual visionaries with insightful experiences which have enriched humankind. [Intuition] is very important.
  • On logic: most scientists take Aristotelean logic for granted. It is based on laws of thought: identity, contradiction, and the excluded middle. And there are profound problems with these three so-called laws: absolute identity does not exist in the real world. Since Neils Bohr, we know light can manifest as both particle and wave - either and both. So contradiction doesn't make too much practical sense. When we consider contradictory theories as complimentary, we actually enrich our scope. It may illuminate the "contradiction". Many scientists don't sufficiently consider complimentary theory. Most people don't consider things can be both true and false. They dichotomize a person as honest OR dishonest, etc. Fuzzy logic developed in the '60s... what it means really is you don't have sets that exclude one another. Fuzzy Set Theory. Sets are a matter of degree, ranging from 0% to 100%. Example: fuzzy set of tall people. To ask if someone is tall or not tall is not a good question. Good for extreme cases but in the middle someone could be a part of that set to some extent. Or fuzzy set of happy people, honest people, good people, evil people, of justice, etc. The closer we look, the fuzzier things become. The 'law' of the excluded middle is very limited and only applies to extreme cases of membership in a fuzzy set.
  • Yin-yang thinking in Taoism: they contain each other. It's not whether it's one or the other, but they are both. Complimentary. It's not an either-or situation, but a degree of how much it's yin and how much it's yang. Buddhist logic has four values, including either/or, but also includes AND and NEITHER NOR. Jain logic: seven-valued logic. Each statement has to be prefixed by a statement which says from this perspective, or in a way (or something like that). Seven perspectives. "It is", "it is not", "it is indescribable", the other 4 are combinations of these. Instead of saying "this person is bad" but "in a way, this person is bad but in another way this person is not bad, yet in another way this person is indescribable". Like "from a perspective this person is a terrorist, from another this person isn't, and from another this person is indescribable." What difference would this understanding change?! To me this logic is mind-blowing. We are too used to Aristotelean logic.
  • When we say something is indescribable then we really go beyond science. If it's beyond language, it's beyond science.
  • Language can be likened to a map, and we know a map isn't the actual territory. It conveys the aspect of the territory but there is A LOT more than any map can convey. Therefore, there is a lot more in reality than any linguistic interpretation can convey. One has to keep this in mind that this limits what science can convey because science uses language. If science no longer uses language, then it's no longer science, but we can go personally beyond language because silence is very important. To say 'John is good' is a wrong statement - what he is is beyond language, it is the indescribable. What you say he is, he is not! What he is is beyond language.
  • I am tempted to say science can never reveal what reality is, at best it can only reveal aspects of reality.
  • On the topic of empiricism: science is considered empirical... but empiricism means that when in science when we have theories and we want to test them, we have to test them with facts. Facts are basic and crucial, but they are described through language, therefore empiricism is limited because they are described through language which is limited in how it can describe reality and how things are. One shortcoming of empiricism.
  • Science today is often about power...
  • So, 'what is science?' It's not very clear. Scientific knowledge is knowledge gained through the scientific method, but as some pointed out: there is no one scientific method. There is no method that is used by all scientists in all circumstances - they use a great variety of methods. So we cannot define science through the Scientific Method. To give a few examples: one method that is often used is called the hypothetical-deductive method: you have a theory that makes predictions and you test it and decide if it confirms or disconfirms the theory, but not all scientists work this way. Some, like Goethe, use intuition as primary means of deduction. Barbary McGlintoch(?) won the Nobel prize for "jumping genes" - she did most of her work with corn/maize. She got to a "communion" with her objects, there was no longer an observer/observed. Then people like naturalists like Jane Goodall - when she was sitting there observing chimpanzees, she was not (just) using the hypothetical-deductive method. They use a great variety of methodology. Science cannot be delimited from non-science by the so-called Scientific Method. Maybe science is also a fuzzy set, maybe there is no way to clearly distinguish. Maybe it's a continuum. If they had an upset stomach they knew which plant to eat. They used intuition/instinct, something closer to what Goethe did.

Other notable ideas/quotes, some from audience members (mostly paraphrased):

  • "If we can go beyond space & time then we can go beyond uncertainty"
  • "There is a Shiva meditation which says: 'put the palms of your hands over your eyes like a feather and focus on the third eye'... it, or one of the 112-ish Shiva meditations, can instantly transport you beyond space and time... almost like a shortcut to Nirvana... you can become totally immersed in beauty like in a flower meadow... or in total laughter. I once laughed for 30 minutes straight with friends, which puts you in a totally different state of mind and you don't worry about anything else."
  • "Ultimate reality may be beyond science, anyhow"
  • "After retiring and meditating a lot, I once saw my hands full of light! After that I could see beautiful auras around leaves and trees and humans... but when I talk to most people they think I'm hallucinating or something. It is not a shared experience, it is a subjective experience. But just because it is not shared doesn't mean it is not real. Of course it could be hallucination, but shared experiences can be 'hallucinations' too."
  • "Sensing can reveal aspects of reality that are beyond empiricism. If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear as it is: infinite. Our senses can be a door to the infinite."
  • "We don't have time for the evolutionary process to work its way out to get to the world we know we need to be in. We need some radical moves [on behalf of humanity and civilization]."
  • Jane Goodall "speaks at the same time from the head and the heart"
  • The indoctrination starts pre-kindergarten when children ask "what is this?" and we answer "this is a flower" instead of "we call this a flower but we don't exactly know, it is indescribable!"
  • "Prose is descriptive, poetry is evocative. Poetry attempts to bring something out beyond the words themselves, through imagery and intuition."
  • To contrast or relate to the idea of "The language of God is silence" - "The language of reality is mathematics"

And I can't help but think about ideas like "sacred geometry" and the universe unfolding itself through fibonacci or related growth algorithms. Language, science, life, and everything are iterative, evolutionary, infinite... Ideas that go back to at least Pythagoras and the founding of his mathematical School that was actually primarily a Spiritual community, believing all matter and observable reality derive from consciousness - the One. The non-conceptual knowledge... the ideas that are found in Taoism and all religions & mythologies. I also think about "synchronicities" - a topic written on by Carl Jung and many others, and something we've all experienced at one point or another.

Fascinating stuff.

Some books mentioned during the call and chat:

  • Hands of Light: A Guide to Healing Through the Human Energy Field - Barbara Brennan
  • Thich Nhat Hanh's poem "Call Me By My True Names"
  • Thomas Kuhn, The Structure of Scientific Revolutions
  • Jean-Pierre Jordain's work on Panoramic Vision/Maps
  • Satish Kumar's works
  • John Barrow's PI in the Sky, which speaks on the aforementioned Jainist logic
  • Jim Garrison's Humanity Rising webinar series (on which Jane Goodall appeared)
  • Resurgence & Ecologist magazine/organization
  • probably more I didn't catch


New blog post: Self-Censorship - exposing my authentic creative self.

Living life in the moment and creating "content" one step at a time, never forcefully, never trying.

Our brains can generate thoughts that are scrambled, ideas that are foggy, emotions that are confusing. Writing is an effective way to organize and analyze them, but should they be shared with others in raw stream of consciousness or filtered for society?

Perhaps it depends on your mindset when writing/creating/streaming. A filter is not inherently a bad thing. The passage of time brings clarity and understanding. Sure, I don't care if I'm perceived a certain way because each thought and creation are simply reflections of a moment in time, but I value serenity and humility. My writing and other creations will be more effective when I stop trying to prove something. I wrote a post on that before, but I still slip and stumble as I navigate new circumstances. There is a navigable grey area, at least in my experience: my ego sometimes benefits me but it more often betrays.

Perhaps there will be a world where everyone better understands the nature of consciousness, existence and this fact that each of our minds provides thoughts that we don't agree with and shouldn't be judged as individuals for having. It took me a great time to fully understand this, having to unravel years of being told otherwise. "I think therefore I am" has the capacity to be a tremendously destructive idea. We have thoughts but they can be disagreeable and often should be dismissible; they can be generated out of fear, eagerness, lack of awareness or derived from an overly emotional or egotistical place.

I wrote the above two paragraphs on a previous day... I had so many ideas for what I would write in the post, but something distracted me and took me on an adventure once I finished the last line. That day and the next two days were incredible, full of learning and love, and I had forgotten about this post entirely. Today I woke up with the intention to work on my musical album but felt blocked. What's the deal? I had established a release date for my music - which was mostly finished but needed re-recording and mastering - and I set intentions to do those very things but here I am three days later having not made progress on that front. Yet, I am happy. Maybe the release of the songs in their unfinished state will be a mental, emotional and/or spiritual release too, as I have experienced several times this year already. Just do 100 things (thanks @visakanv).

So, instead of working on my music this morning, I sat in the sun and meditated. Which led me to re-realizing these things. Which led into a private message with a friend. Which led into this blog post. Which now leads me into doing laundry and cleaning the house for guests. And where that leads me, I don't know, but I will enjoy it.

Tweet thread continuing this post:

Everything I do & create is through a natural process of existing in the moment. It can be frustrating if you over-analyze and push yourself against an immovable barrier. Some walls can be broken through, but not all of them or not at the timing you desire. It is truly freeing when internalizing this in the core. Yes we can dream and set intentions, yes we can actively work toward our goals somewhat forcefully - but when anxiety, fear or any negative emotions arise or the dominos don't fall the way we want: they are falling exactly as they should... you just can't see it.

These thoughts of faith, of free will vs determinism, are often troubling to people and were to me for most of my life. We want to create things, do things, go places... and sometimes "life happens". Unexpected expenses, colleagues suddenly busy, our energy levels deplete, etc. Every moment is always teaching a lesson and helping us grow in profound ways that we can't comprehend until later - and later everything clicks as one big epiphany. Anxiety & depression can be conquered by surrendering and trusting in the process.

I want to do 1000 things, and I do put effort working toward them, but sometimes I get writer's block or my friends/colleagues get busy and can't collaborate at the scheduled time, etc. So I step back, go on a walk, and smile. My entire body of work will reflect this.

Not trying.

The above monologue was a derivation and curation of a message to a friend this morning. I made plans earlier this week to re-record/master & make more promo material, but what happened instead was an incredible week of learning, love, joy and other successes & creative ideation!

I have learned painstakingly over many years that everything does truly happen for a reason; accepting this and smiling at EVERYTHING, not over-analyzing and getting frustrated but acknowledging the present and trusting in the process, will yield miracles. It can't be explained, it can only be experienced. Words are immensely powerful but language is extremely limited. I cannot convey these experiences and wisdom as perfectly articulated knowledge for every single reader. Some things make sense, others don't. Okay. You have to search within yourself and know these things to be true in whatever way is most you. We all have our own hieroglyphs that speak and resonate with us. We are also all incredibly complex and what works for me might not work for you! It is really extraordinary and beautiful when you realize just how diverse we are, from physical to emotional to mental to spiritual. We can all coexist in harmony with our differences if we unite in love & understanding this reality!

So I will continue to spend today and tomorrow pushing to iterate on my music album and the event I have planned but just have to write & create for - but whatever I have by my set release time is whatever I have! I can make videos after release or just work on the next album.

Which is tentatively titled: The Art of Not Trying

Inspired by the content: TAOISM | The Art of Not Trying - Einzelgänger

But another major key takeaway: act on your inspiration immediately! Put off what you have planned in most cases to channel that flow into a river to create an ocean, else it may forever sit as a stream to a pond.

And: perfection is the enemy of good/done. Literally no one is perfect. We can try to curate a nice image, which is fine sometimes, but not in deceit & fabrication which beget more problems than it solves. Always be yourself and unimaginable things will come your way.

Older blog posts I've written on these ideas:

Perfection is the enemy of good/done


Hello New World: I have nothing to prove

This album release isn't going to be a grandiose thing. I'm not making major promos on social media, I'm not playing the algorithm. If I release it unmastered/unfinished, cool whatever! Kendrick Lamar did that, too, years ago and some of those songs are among my favorite. I can make videos after the release, or do whatever we feel like in the future. Tomorrow's event may not go as planned, but that's the entire theme of my body of work: the art of letting go. I will be unfiltered in my creation process because it is the real unadulterated me and it might inspire others in similar paths.

Everything falls into place. Kismet.

I Have Nothing To Prove

"I have nothing to prove"

Words are powerful. Words are magical. Even saying aloud "words are magical" frequently will make one realize the hidden power of the statement. "I have nothing to prove" is one affirmation whose repetition will reshape the conscious and subconscious mind. There are dozens of ways this statement applies to life and I won't cover them all here.

The last several months have been immensely positive and transformational for me. I have uprooted deeply-held negative beliefs and addictions, established healthy mental and physical routines, learned a great deal across a number of subjects, and more. I've updated close friends and family members on my progress when they've asked how I'm doing but I haven't updated this blog. I didn't need to. I don't even need to type the words I just did. I'm making changes for myself, not anyone else. I don't need to prove to anyone I'm making progress - I just am. Our actions prove we have changed, not our words. Something radically changed in my mindset and approach to life when I internalized:

"I have nothing to prove"

I first heard and learned this concept during a therapy session. It was the third session in a series. The therapist felt like I wasn't grasping a concept, and I had a defensive reaction trying to prove that I did. Therefore: I didn't. If I did I wouldn't have needed to try to prove I did.

Side note: therapy is amazing and every single person can benefit from it. Maybe not every therapist is good but that doesn't invalidate the healing power of therapy itself. We are all creatures with faults - with emotional wounds and traumas from growing up - that we need to understand and overcome to unlock our true potential. To deny this is to deny the human existence. End the stigma.

"I have nothing to prove"

I want to write and share things I've learned or enjoyed because (i) I enjoy expressing myself in this manner sometimes, and (ii) I may potentially help people gain a new perspective or relate to a personal struggle. I'm not trying to prove I know something - I'm just expressing. It's a very nuanced and important difference to grasp and integrate psychologically.

"I have nothing to prove"

Sometimes it is blatant, other times it is very subtle: when having conversations we are often trying to "score points" trying to prove we are "correct" or are "better" than either the other person or our former self. We erect walls preventing healthy discussion toward understanding or compromise. The goal should never be proving to someone we know something, but to learn new somethings. We are always learning, always growing, always healing. We don't know everything - we know this - but our ego often tries to pretend it knows the "real truth" of some matter. Trying to prove we know "the truth" or trying to prove we have made progress in some regard doesn't accomplish anything. It is not constructive to either party. We can share our perspective in a way that isn't trying to prove something. We can show that we have made progress by simply being the improved version of ourselves.

"I have nothing to prove"

There is an often misunderstood difference between expressing one's self & ideas versus posting for recognition and approval. Yes, we are social creatures who require some amount of external appreciation & encouragement, but too often the urge to update others on some achieved progress is counterintuitively debilitating. We receive some inspiration to start a new project, or make exciting progress toward our goals - but, strangely, going around telling others about it often has a negative consequence. We establish some expectation of what the future is going to be - we never know how the future will unfold - and when the inspiration doesn't last, or circumstances change, we become self-critical and generate unfavorable feelings like anxiety and depression because we are now failing to uphold promises we had spontaneously thrown out into the world. We can set intentions to do something - words are magic - but we can never actually predict what will happen. All we can do is work toward the goal day by day, trusting that the future will unfold as it should, and manage our reactions to misfortune. Sometimes shit happens and life seems to have other plans for us. If we're constantly trying to prove to others we can do something before we've done it we somehow become our own enemy. Plus other people will try to tear us down and point out our failures - we don't need any of that. I heard a funny, relevant quote the other day: "When we make plans, God laughs."

"I have nothing to prove"

Three other relevant ideas I've been cycling in my mind have grounded me further: (i) "it isn't done until it's done", (ii) "stay low and move quietly", (iii) "he who has a journey of a hundred miles should reckon ninety as half-way". At least in my experience: if I try sharing progress I've made to people, when I know deep-down I should just stay focused and get across the finish line, somehow the progress halts. Maybe it's simply getting out of "Flow" or "the zone", or "rushing the timeline". Maybe pride and eagerness are negative vibrations that disrupt the human-aura field or space-time continuum. Somehow, asserting expectations of the future has a funny way of working against us. Life is a ride - a journey - and all we can control is the present moment and our reactions to fate. It's really much more peaceful thinking this way. Similar statements have been said countless times in countless ways but it really is all about the journey. We do not know the destination, nor does it matter! What matters is right here, right now: reading these words hopefully gaining some new perspective, soon working toward a goal, soon smiling at a loved one.

"I have nothing to prove"

I love words and have been complimented & recognized for poetry or other writings, but I don't need to go post online about receiving praise; I am simply grateful for the recognition and move on. This might seem insignificant but it is a powerful, positive mentality to have regarding everything in life. This doesn't mean you can't share, for example, stats of how many books you've sold, but there is a nuanced and important difference between doing that to prove something versus doing that to share information for a constructive purpose. If this doesn't make sense now, think about it later. Sometimes concepts take time and meditation to understand and integrate.

"I have nothing to prove"

I roughly tweeted, and deleted, last month: "multiple projects are soon coalescing and I'm going to start writing more blog posts soon!" I make plans, and God laughs. I have painstakingly learned that I should only share what I have actually completed instead of telling people what I have planned to complete. In a way, I was trying to prove that I was being active and productive. But that is silly. I am living every day to the fullest and am immeasurably happy even if my plans don't work out. It's less of a failure of discipline and more a constant realignment and readjustment to life circumstance & new inspiration.

"I have nothing to prove"

This statement is immensely powerful in combination with understanding that every person is "imperfect" - even you. We have all said and done things in the past we no longer agree with - this is a part of life! Virtually all of us have deleted some post because we feel embarrassed or no longer agree with it, but we're covering up the fact that we are always growing. Unfortunately, yes, we live in a society with a lot of judgmental, vicious people who seek to tear others down. I have hope and optimism that this paradigm is shifting. I'm not saying to suddenly stop deleting/curating our tweets or posts - we do have to protect ourselves in some regard - as long as it's not out of personal shame and fear that we will be judged. That's a failure of the judge, not of you.

Change happens and maybe this blog will continue to be showing some of the ugly side of living and growing. It is good that I showed the ugly side of attempting and failing to do the #100Days challenge, blogging my raw thoughts of feeling like a failure and working out why I was being my own worst enemy.

We need to be better role models for our children. The last decade of social media has been immensely destructive to society, creating unrealistic expectations of success and what it means to be human. We only see the results of effort - not the ugly, tough, natural process of how to get there. I'm not even the 10,000th person to express this thought nor am I articulating it in the best way. But I need to try - maybe the way I've phrased it will resonate and click with at least one person. Awesome. We can't change the whole world, but we can make some good changes in the world. If every single person helped just one person learn something new, then the whole world would indeed be changed.

I have nothing to prove.


    "it's there where you left it when you need it again"

I haven't yet searched if "egotrap" is a real word or concept; I'm sure it is and I will search momentarily but this is the word that came to mind as I thought to write a new post. To me it describes the numerous times I tripped over myself going too fast or established arbitrary unharmonious rigidity to my schedule or outflow of ideas and productivity. Confining my output to once a day without break is disingenuous. Naturally I may ebb and flow writing twice a day or once a week, and abruptly confining myself to a spontaneously generated hobby with no room for flexibility and forgiveness was an exercise in futility. The reaction was, again, complete dissolution and disassociation for a time. What a shame because I had a holiday break worth writing about! Tl;dr, a cabin on a mountain lake with lots of kayaking and good company & vibes.

Perusing through my stacks of notebooks and loose papers containing ideas and designs for games and such - often conjured during classes and church as the most interesting subject matter to me and the pure expression of creativity and self - was both enlightening and exhausting. So many ideas about so many things, as well as countless sticky notes and sections writing about how stuck I felt in that moment and devising a rehash of the same plan to dig myself out of a mess. Finally after a life-time of dissonantly avoiding my inclinations, I'm going to try to "work for video games".

With regards to this blog I will rewire how I think about it and expression itself, and just write as I need to.

The WoW and Blizzard post was out of a fit of frustration and personal burnout, and I spent all the time since that post re-evaluating those thoughts and how I truly felt. I have since edited the overwhelming negative takes in that post. I reconsidered those thoughts so hard that this week I decided to once again try to be the change I want to see in the world, and re-apply to the company under a new unannounced project. The chances of acceptance may be slim, but I'm truly giving it my all for the first time in a while.

I wanted to make a trading update in late Nov/early Dec of the market conditions and my complete de-risking of longed assets for a few months. I didn't feel compelled to because I had so few eyes if any on my publishing anyway; it would've been for posterity, excessive pre-optimization and obsessive image control. I need to write for myself. I had no intention of garnering readers to my blog when creating it, but I let myself get ego-trapped with that thought as well. I have hardly ever released or published anything in my life out of excessive fear and inability to finish the last 20%. Quite literal crippling anxiety and absence of confidence and a social support system.

A bit rough of a stream of consciousness this post was, but it'll do. I'm walking toward the rainbow.

(Ah yes, similar idea:

One More Time, For Science

Summary: Retrospection on failing to maintain daily posting and other habits. I have failed dozens of times in my life to replace bad habits with good ones, but I keep picking myself up and trying again!

After two full weeks of super-average progress, discipline and abstinence from lazy behavior, I allowed myself one more time, for science and for the holidays, to pull the rug and see to what I naturally gravitate. I shouldn't be surprised, after more than a thousand days wasted to addictive consumption and extinguished passion in the last decade, that I would return to that average. I didn't beat myself up this time - it was for science after all - I just allowed myself up to a week to observe my thoughts and emotions. Conclusion verified my hypothesis and the Mean Reversion Theory, and confirmed that breaking habits & establishing new ones is a long and arduous process.

Gave my thanks and gratitude for my family, friends and countless privileges this week, as I do periodically, but especially for this holiday for doing such. Learning how to organize and restructure my time to spend more of it with people I love, because ultimately what matters more than any accomplishment or achievement is life itself and sharing this finite existence with others in the same precarious disposition. Love and connection to others is more real than a high-score. My life wouldn't convey that premise. I haven't been walking the walk I talk; been tripping over hypocrisy and cognitive dissonance. I don't often heed the advice I preach... I may give great advice but take little for myself.

The truth is: life is challenging; made easier by growing up with a solid work ethic and belief system (a privilege most are seemingly deprived of), and made harder by the allure of dopamine overloading behaviors. The most fulfilling quests aren't often fun, so someone addicted to fun will often struggle with fulfillment. It is always easier to do nothing than to do something; it is especially easier if your mean/average is closer to doing nothing than something. Your high grade average can tank with just a couple low grades, and your low grade average takes much more effort to recover and rise higher.

The personalized piece of advice given most to me in my life has been "Don't be too hard on yourself!" so in the last week I simply observed and wrote in my private journal. Sure, I broke the #100Days streak 14 days in, but I managed to relax for a couple days and learned a lot about how my brain/mind seems to process goals (set by myself or imposed externally), and makes excuses, but still craves to create and ideate. And, most of all, I learned (again) that I'm not going to continue receiving spurts of motivation or willpower, and that the only way I can execute my ideas with a blunt axe is to keep sharpening or keep swinging; to keep pushing the average higher, and not let the inevitable reversions to the mean exceed the mean and go lower thereby keeping the mean low. Reverse to the mean, but bounce, and continue higher. Keep bouncing. Keep raising the average. To further relate this to trading: remember to also take your (mental) profits! In line with having realistic expectations: the road to riches is series of hills and valleys, a zigzag path littered with obstacles. Every small victory should be recognized and celebrated, but acknowledged as a stepping stone in the broader trend. Failure to take mental profits leaves one with anxiety: no proof of progress, holding baggage in confusion without mental profits to buy the dip / recover from setbacks. The good times make the hard times easier. Write down and celebrate the good times. Document when you surmounted a hill to have a healthy perspective when traversing a valley.

Not as poetic as I've phrased lessons before, but it'll do. My anxiety and madness derives from a dissonant psyche and incompatible habits. Star-faring ideas drowning in a Jungian Shadow abyss. There will likely be a few more one more times... but each shorter and shallower than the last.

Eyedea, Walking (verse 3)

    I don't expect nothing
    But the un-expectable
    The only thing I know for a fact
    Is that I'll never know too much about myself
    So I'ma keep learning
    Cause I'm determined to find what keeps this fire burning
    Turning these pages just as slow as I can
    Reading every single word from the poet within
    I float with the wind and stay content
    Wherever it carries me
    There was no beginning and there won't be an end
    I'm just a piece of the galaxy
    A seed in the soil
    A stream of consciousness
    And to the seasons I'm loyal
    Don't take my movement personal
    It's not that I don't dig you
    But I can't be on the beach
    Of your sea when it boils
    And so I walk with the music
    Because to me that's all that's real
    Don't know where I'm going
    Don't have a plan
    I've been hearing instructions my whole life
    And I still think walking away from the rainbow
    Will make you more of a man

WoW and Blizzard

Summary/Edit: I wrote this at peak self-frustration and burnout, having a bit of an overreaction. I was unduly savage in my criticism and had a profoundly negative, half-truth perspective. It was written out of passion and heartbreak. I should instead channel this sort of energy to be the change I want to see in the world. I have actually quit the game though, and haven't played video games since February 2022 - not out of some self-righteous sense of moral superiority, but just because a new chapter of my life has begun.

    "At long last... no king rules forever my son." - Terenas Menethil

Growing up on Blizzard games since I was four or five years old - watching my father play Diablo and Warcraft 2 and then playing them myself better than he did - I could write thousands of words and still not cover my full experience. So I will not attempt to, or perhaps I will expound upon it later. Today marks the end of this journey. While I might boot up Diablo 2 Resurrected in the future, it will only be to spend time with my best friend on his favorite childhood game. I may also subscribe to WoW one more time just to experience Black Temple, Hyjal and Sunwell in the next year on TBC Classic, but it won't be with cash but with the last of my in-game gold. Today, I unsubscribed from WoW and uninstalled every Blizzard game.

Even as a young immature lad without much knowledge of business or project management, I knew the Activision merger a decade ago spelled doom. While the concepts and attempts to create new games and innovate existing ones were good and well-placed - obviously trying to create products that people would love - they missed the mark in execution and management far too many times. Shipping games before they were ready in order to meet deadlines to appease shareholders, changing gameplay so drastically as to alienate the core fanbase, milking their customers with microtransaction/cash shop items that are higher quality than items earned in game while still charging a subscription fee, the Hong Kong fiasco to the recent multitude of sexual harassment scandals (and responding not by fixing the problems but creating and fixing new problems like replacing in-game paintings of women with baskets of fruit), the OG founders leaving the company to create new companies with the old Blizzard essence, and more. I am not going fully in-depth in this post because I'd be typing for hours, and I'm not cluttering the post by linking dozens of articles to give further context and argument (though I definitely could and maybe should).

To people on the outside, who either didn't grow up playing video games or at least not with one company's line of games especially the old king Blizzard, it seems very strange to be this emotionally attached. And that is fine - it's not for them to understand. It is pretty strange. But the fact is, for myself and millions of other people (though I can only speak for myself), Warcraft Starcraft and Diablo were in my life since my very first memories and kept me occupied while my dad worked overseas and my mom multiple jobs while we moved every couple years around the world. Video games (and baseball) were my only constants in life. Love and joy turned into Stockholm Syndrome as the company management and vision shifted from player-centric "for gamers by gamers" passion to a soulless money-centric business venture. Ironically, the company would've make more money continuing to build loyalty and trust and love by delivering great gameplay experiences instead of this disgusting microtransaction meta that focuses on exploiting a small minority of players with more money and addiction than I, and rotating in new, temporary players as they abandon their core loyal audience.

It's been such a strange decade. And I'm sure there were honest attempts to create good games and they simply failed, which happens and is excusable a few times. I could go down the list and state pros and cons of Starcraft 2, Heroes of the Storm, Diablo 3, Overwatch and Hearthstone. Each did great things and fell off for their own reasons, though the latter three were especially plagued by horrible gameplay and monetary decisions (of course this is like, my opinion, man! but most everyone I've played with over the years is in agreement). Warcraft 3 Reforged was an absolute disaster: they delivered on pretty graphics (though not even what were demo'd and promised), but absolutely gutted most of the features that existed in the game for almost two full decades. The announcement of the mobile Diablo game was horribly received by BlizzCon attendees and was subsequently swept under the rug. They managed to not mess up Starcraft 1 Reforged and Diablo 2 Reforged, but those are, in my opinion of course, the best things they have created but are actually just updates of old games!

Same with Classic WoW - the game I prayed for all decade as I played poor quality community-hosted private servers made by and for players of the 2004-2009 versions. They actually delivered on it - years after shutting down these private servers with cease-and-desists. There were ultimately-excusable bugs, quirks and purposeful changes. It wasn't perfect, but it was alright, though there were certain easily-fixable things that really affected the game negatively as time went on. Halfway through the game they fired the community managers, and so communication between players and developers was severed which really escalated the momentum of unhappiness and dissent. But at least they gave us some close experience to the old game - a multiplayer open world role-playing game where the community chiefly drives the experience, not the sort of single-player theme-park action game that modern WoW became (through decisions going all the way back to the end of their second expansion Wrath of the Lich King when they added tools to automate finding groups for dungeons and raids - right after Activision merged/bought Blizzard).

Oh I could type a dozen more paragraphs detailing each and every decision in WoW that has led to its "downfall". I will link one article of the many dozens I could, just to share an opinion on this matter other than my own:

Edit: It was understated how much the meta of the industry and social media changed the collective consciousness of [a large portion of] gamers. So much has changed beyond the developer team's control with how their game is received that it is duly unfair to pin all the blame on Blizzard.

And so today I part ways. It shouldn't feel this hard since the company is fundamentally comprised of an entirely different set of employees than old Blizzard (a lot of who got into the game industry for money, not passion), but it does hurt me to see the characters, worlds and IPs I grew up with degrade and become associated with heartless bureaucracy (edit: I was rather dramatic in description, and a bit incorrect too repeating Asmongold talking points). Again, maybe Stockholm Syndrome-type behavior, but it is what it is. Some people think gamers should move on from games as an adult, and I won't argue that here because it is very complex and I've already typed so much (my defense at least entails that we should still have a source of fun and recreation in our lives and not be completely dull working adults). I personally do feel a drive to create and accomplish more with my life now and play less video games, though I will still allow myself to play games occassionally.

Insert whimsical quote about how every ending is a new beginning

I Wear The Mask

Today I shall share with you a high school English project my sixteen year old self made. I believe the criteria was to create and decorate a mask and write a sort of poem or prose inspired by "We Wear The Mask" by Paul Laurence Dunbar. I remember having the most outlandish/"crazy" project when presenting to the class - I exposed myself and my contention with a sort of dual personality I seemed to assimilate. I also had a way with words at that point in my life, and am kinda proud of those works (some are forgotten, others barely remembered). I knew but didn't actually know at the time that I was bipolar. The mask wasn't trying to represent this though; the words and their mirrors were more depicting how I was perceived versus the subtruth underneath.

I wear the mask that spawns and steals
identity, that tricks and deceives, that assumes
personality and masquerades contrasting façades.
With the amalgamation of time and artful manipulation,
the primordial guise triumphed in its coup d'etat.

In assorted colors, written plainly are the
contusions of pretense. Juxtapose Bruce
and it, athwart a mirror wherein Majora gazes,
the previously inverted epitaphs and the manifestation
of the being Ecurb are linked to expose subtruth.
I wear the mask.

About-face reveals no face at all. A collection of cryptic arcana
appears translucently against a dusty, nebulous backdrop.
Upon layering acoustics, self ascends along an empyrean,
surreal road, flying parallel to a familiar stranger for
a solitary moment, when at the fork of reality
they split, and I wake from hypnagogia.
I wear the mask.

Procrastination pt2

Good morning! Or, Grand Rising! as TikTok etymologists would say. They do have a point: words have far more power than we are initially led to believe. The "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is only surface-level. Even the strongest of confidence and ego are affected on a subconscious level and are susceptible to erosion. The argument is words are spells, and I find it hard to disagree. Ancient civilizations certainly believed so, whether they actually practiced witchcraft (if it exists) or were just grounded and aware of how everything is energy and frequency. I wonder how hearing "mourning" every single day might affect us?

I thought it would be apropos to procrastinate this post with a preluded tangent. I am not an expert on procrastination especially as I still do it daily. It is a major hurdle in my life that I ultimately allowed to exist as I have never had the understanding and mindset to conquer it. It is the core reason why I did not excel in school - I could ace tests, but I almost never did homework. I waited to the very last minute for every single school project and paper, all the way through university. I was and am capable of writing well, but never on the first draft. Every time I received my graded papers I was appalled at my own writing and frustrated with myself that I couldn't seem to self-motivate ahead of time to allow for editing and revision. As such, I've consistently failed to further my career, finish my own projects and create anything of substantial value because I've relied on external sources in fear of consequence. A trap so many people fall into and never escape.

Unlike in Procrastination pt1, I wasn't making any steady progress on my own. I procrastinated on writing this post and others, but I am actually fulfilling it without the aforementioned motivation factors. I've learned so much in my life, including lots of little things that add up to the mindset and mentality I have and continue to develop. I recently reframed what "wants" and "needs" really are: our needs are derived from our wants. I need to work out, because I want to be physically fit, look good and live longer. I need to write these posts, because I want to create a habit of writing daily, expressing myself and connecting with other intellectually motivated people. I need to turn my ideas into reality, because I want to be the positive change I want to see in the world.

I don't know how to teach how to conquer procrastination, other than "just do it!" Well, do a little bit each day, not all at once. Be content with minimal but consistent progress. It is something that has to click within you. For me, it was years of avoidance and frustration bubbling up to a series of mental breakdowns that ushered in this newfound willpower to do. I'm still not sure if that was an inevitability. I still clearly struggle with procrastination but that is primarily due to my lack of a structured routine (work-in-progress). The goal is always to be better than yourself. Be better than who you were yesterday. That's all we can really ever strive to do.

No particular quote regarding this topic appears in my mind to share with you. There are great quotes and ideas attempting to convey the importance of doing things daily and living in the present moment, for that is all we have and is the only way to better our tomorrow and future. Hearing or reading these quotes can resonate with us, but it takes a certain something for it to click in a way to make us act. While I still struggle giving it my all, my objective is this:

     “...the best possible way to prepare for tomorrow is to concentrate with all your intelligence, all your enthusiasm, on doing today's work superbly today. That is the only possible way you can prepare for the future.” - Dale Carnegie

Procrastination pt1

Despite beginning my day great with exercise, yoga, and meditation on procrastination, I procrastinated writing this post. I even wrote an outline but I chose to do a lot of behind-the-scenes work instead. I didn't forget about this blog, but today was destined from the beginning to be a little rough. I survived. I also started getting more involved in supporting my friends with their art or other interests, spent time with family, and some housekeeping. I did not boot up a game; I stayed as productive as possible, without pushing too hard and burning out. Overall a good day. I do have so much to write about but I am not pushing myself excessively. I think I'm on a great and sustainable pace right now with everything considered!

So I shall procrastinate a little bit more.

    "It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop." -Confucius